update

Feb. 3rd, 2017 08:02 am
tigriswolf: (dreamer)
So, I went to my doctor on Wednesday due to a daily pain in my left side that showed up about two weeks ago. I was given a new questionnaire to fill out that had four questions; I can't remember exactly what they were, but something like 'how often do you feel like doing nothing' and 'are you unhappy.'

The answers I provided led the nurse to asking me more questions, and I think the result would be obvious: I am, apparently, heavily depressed.

I was depressed before the fire, okay? But now I'm heavily depressed.

This has led me to being a subpar teacher, I think, and I feel guilty about that. Because I really think I'm giving it my all, but the all I have to give isn't as much as it used to be. I'm trying my best and my best isn't... what it was. In every regard, every part of my life.

Which is not helping my depression, obviously. I feel like I'm in the way and a burden and there's this horrible mess to clean up, and that I didn't do everything I should or could have to save Gus, and that everything would be easier if I wasn't here.

(Not that, as I've assured my shrink and my GP and my family, I'm going to hurt myself.)

I was feeling happy, prior to January 14. For the first time in awhile. Everything was going good. I felt lighter and hopeful.

And now everything is just this pit of nothing, and I somehow keep getting up in the morning and going to work and going to class, and I'm going to keep doing that, even while I have to sort through 20 years of my life that stinks of smoke, and even while I know I'm never going to hear my cat yowl for attention again, and even though I'm tired and angry and so fucking sad --

But I was happy. I can't imagine being happy again.
tigriswolf: (a bird may love a fish)
When you're waiting to hear back and it's possibly life-changing news -- God, time drags so slowly.

So, I’m exhausted and one of my chronic pains is really fucking hurting, so I’m gonna go to bed early tonight.

I finished my sixth book this week; that’s one each day so far, and then two I spaced out over Thursday-Sunday. I’ve decided to reread every book on bookcase and donate the ones I don’t like anymore/don’t know why I have.

I actually wrote yesterday AND today. Two drabbles yesterday, four today, and then another chapter for one of my WIPs. Well, more of an interlude, really.

I’ve been to two of my three classes; the third, I won’t have until the 23d because for some reason the semester starts on a Wednesday and the Monday the next week is a holiday so no school. It’s stupid.

.
.
.

God, I wish they would get back to me. I don’t want to jinx it. I already told my lilsis, my cousin, and my boss that it’s possible. I’m feeling a mixture of exhilarated and terrified.
It could be so good.

update

Jan. 8th, 2017 07:43 pm
tigriswolf: (power of a dream)
So tomorrow, I’m going back to work after three weeks off.

School starts on Wednesday.

I did not get any of the writing done over the break that I’d intended to. In fact, I think I wrote maybe a single poem? And that’s it. I just... never felt like writing, so I didn’t. December actually was the best I’ve felt (besides being sick for those few days) since June, and maybe the best I’ve felt emotionally in a long time. Of course, I did spend half of it with no responsibilities except buying presents and paying bills. So it was probably that plus actually taking antidepressants for the first time in my life that led me to feeling good.

But I do feel lighter, emotionally. And hopeful, despite the fuckery in DC.
tigriswolf: (king of the jungle)
I apparently look as bad as I feel because literally every person who saw me as I was trudging out of the clinic said they hoped I’d feel better.

Good news: it’s not the flu.

Bad news: it’s up to my body cause it’s probably a virus and this is absolutely the perfect end to this utterly shitastic year.
tigriswolf: (pour some liquor in it)
This has been a terrible, confusing year, and I’m so fucking tired of it.
tigriswolf: (adorbs)
I just called both my senators! Holy shit, wow. Left a voicemail with one and talked to a person who took my number for a callback at the other.

Also, of course, my premium for insurance is going up almost $200 next year, so I’m scrambling for something else. Having insurance this year was AMAZING and I’m so fucking frustrated.

And I have THREE major projects all due the same week that I really need to power through.

But I have rainbow hair now, and I keep smiling every time I look in a mirror, so there’s that.
tigriswolf: (magic eater)
I shiver and want to cry every time I watch the last race in Secretariat.

Muscle relaxers are not conducive to doing schoolwork. Or focusing. I do have doctor's orders to not take stairs, so I've emailed my teacher (who is also my new advisor) about moving class Tuesday night if at all possible. The only elevator in that building has been broken for nearly a month, so I've gritted my teeth twice and taken the stairs but my knee screamed for the remainder of that night and the next day both times. What I don't understand is how the people who work in that building haven't raised a fuss to get it fixed. Isn't it breaking all sorts of regulations for accommodation?
tigriswolf: (adorbs)
So, my mother gave birth to my little sister with no anesthesia. (Not by choice.)

Years later, she broke a couple ribs and said that broken ribs were worse than childbirth.

I, thankfully, do not have broken ribs but my entire upper body is bruised and it fucking sucks.

update

Oct. 28th, 2016 12:22 pm
tigriswolf: (lips as red)
I voted this morning; an hour in line, less than a minute at the booth.

Now I’m waiting to hear back from the doctor. Because my entire body is no longer hurting, I can tell where I might actually be injured (mildly). And it looks like there more damage (but still mild) to my car than I saw yesterday.

There was schoolwork I needed to do yesterday. There’s schoolwork I need to do today. But I literally do not give a shit. I’m not doing it.

But, amazingly, I actually slept last night because my aunt the nurse suggested a generic sleep aid. I fell asleep and STAYED ASLEEP ALL NIGHT LONG. I can’t remember the last time that happened.
tigriswolf: (pour some liquor in it)
You get rear-ended literally a minute away from your job, causing you to be even later while also shaky and hyper-alert, on top of being tired because you sleep like shit. Also, you have class so you’ll have to go up and down three flights of stairs because the elevator is still broken, using your knee that doesn’t work right because it’s lost most of its cartilage.

Yeah. Should’ve just stayed in bed.

*sigh*

Sep. 21st, 2016 11:06 am
tigriswolf: (mushroom head)
Are there actually people who don't live in constant pain? What's that like? I can't remember.

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