Feb. 3rd, 2017

update

Feb. 3rd, 2017 08:02 am
tigriswolf: (dreamer)
So, I went to my doctor on Wednesday due to a daily pain in my left side that showed up about two weeks ago. I was given a new questionnaire to fill out that had four questions; I can't remember exactly what they were, but something like 'how often do you feel like doing nothing' and 'are you unhappy.'

The answers I provided led the nurse to asking me more questions, and I think the result would be obvious: I am, apparently, heavily depressed.

I was depressed before the fire, okay? But now I'm heavily depressed.

This has led me to being a subpar teacher, I think, and I feel guilty about that. Because I really think I'm giving it my all, but the all I have to give isn't as much as it used to be. I'm trying my best and my best isn't... what it was. In every regard, every part of my life.

Which is not helping my depression, obviously. I feel like I'm in the way and a burden and there's this horrible mess to clean up, and that I didn't do everything I should or could have to save Gus, and that everything would be easier if I wasn't here.

(Not that, as I've assured my shrink and my GP and my family, I'm going to hurt myself.)

I was feeling happy, prior to January 14. For the first time in awhile. Everything was going good. I felt lighter and hopeful.

And now everything is just this pit of nothing, and I somehow keep getting up in the morning and going to work and going to class, and I'm going to keep doing that, even while I have to sort through 20 years of my life that stinks of smoke, and even while I know I'm never going to hear my cat yowl for attention again, and even though I'm tired and angry and so fucking sad --

But I was happy. I can't imagine being happy again.

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tigriswolf

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