Edge of the Knife - SN fic - R

[tigriswolf]

Title: Edge of the Knife
Fandom: SN
Disclaimer: Not my characters.  Just for fun.
Warnings: AU for "The Benders"
Pairings: none
Wordcount: 1270
Rating: R
Point of view: third

Once upon a time, Sam would have sworn he’d never kill a child. Never snap a little girl’s neck like a twig, righteous fury and horrific pain overwhelming him.

But once upon a time is a while ago and things change.

-

Sam could return to Stanford. Could pick up the pieces of that life easily. He still remembers all the lies, the nuances of normal Sam Winchester. His friends will welcome him back with open arms and bright smiles.

But he is not that Sam Winchester anymore. He was never that Sam Winchester, not really.

That Sam Winchester had a shitty childhood, but he never hunted ghosts. That Sam Winchester had an older brother he never mentioned and a father he never thought about. That Sam Winchester fell out of trees and was in a terrible car wreck as a child. That Sam Winchester loved Jessica Moore and wanted to marry her, to grow old with her, to die in her arms.

And now Sam Winchester has nothing left but his father’s crusade and his brother’s car.

-

Sam never wanted to hunt. Even as a boy, he wanted other things, more. Normalcy, though he never truly knew what that meant.

His father couldn’t understand. John’d had normal; it did not end well. So now he sought vengeance for the love of his life, for the woman who made everything worthwhile.

And Dean—Dean followed his father. Did what he said, when he said, and Sam never did understand why.

If Sam could talk to Dean, he’d ask and really listen to Dean’s answer.

After everything, Sam doesn’t know why Dean can’t haunt him.

-

Sam will never ever forgive himself. He will never forget what his stupidity cost him.

Dean would never have gone near that house. Never have gotten caught, tortured.

Never have gotten stabbed by that devil-spawned bitch.

If Sam hadn’t fucked up, Dean would not have died.

-

Jarrod and Lee were locked in the cage. The father was pinned by Kathleen. Sam hurried to the house to find Dean.

He found Dean’s body and a laughing child, a girl who couldn’t be more than thirteen.

She told him, while he stood frozen with horror, that the man had such pretty eyes.

Distantly, Sam heard himself ask, “Then why did you stab them?”

And the little girl said, “If they’da hunted him, he’da won.”

-

Sam regrets many things in his life. Mistakes he made, things he said, things he never got the chance to say.

He does not regret killing Jarrod. He does not regret killing Lee. He does not regret knocking Kathleen unconscious when she protested and would have fought him. He does not regret killing the father.

Most of all, he does not regret killing Missy.

-

They had wanted to hunt him. To kill him, mutilate his body, and probably eat his flesh. They were sick, twisted; from birth, they never had a chance.

They were what their father made them, fashioned and molded by his sickness.

They should never have picked Sam. He wasn’t like the rest of their prey; from six months old, he’d also been trained in the hunt.

He was better than they ever could be and he played the game by different rules.

From the moment Sam escaped the cage, they’d lost.

From the instant he found Dean, they never had a chance.

-

Sam had read books about whether or not people were what their parents made them.

Even at Stanford, he knew he was. Every move he made, every step he took, John Winchester stood in the shadows. And Dean stood beside him.

Sam is what his father made him. A hunter, a predator, a killer. Blood on his hands and blood in his eyes.

Dean had always been the better, the one who embraced John’s teaching, his crusade.

And he died, hands and ankles tied, killed by a child.

A girl.

A little thirteen-year-old girl, a product of her raising.

Sam had no sympathy. Sam did not care her reasoning or her age.

Sam snapped her neck.

Jarrod and Lee died minutes later.

Sam saved the father for last.

-

“You snuck up behind while he was fighting the others, didn’t you?” Sam asked.

The father did not answer.

“You cheated, took him by surprise,” Sam continued. “Must have hit him with something, because no way you could take him down.”

The father still didn’t respond. He whimpered and shuddered and followed Sam’s pacing with terrified eyes.

“Nothing to say?” Sam mocked, smirking at the tears that ran down Pa Bender's face. “Hard to talk with no tongue, huh?” Sam stepped forward, a dirty knife held loosely in his hand. “What should I take next? Your dick, maybe? Ears? Hands and feet—what?”

He knelt before the patriarch of the hunters and trailed the edge of the knife along his jaw, whispering, “Look at you. Your sons are dead, and your daughter. You’re all that’s left. There will be no hunts, ever again.”

Pa Bender closed his eyes and Sam laughed.

“Are you what your father made you?” He stood and glanced at the knife, running his fingers along the blade. “I am,” he said quietly and smirked when the final Bender opened his eyes.

-

It was never Sam’s crusade. He never wanted to hunt.

Now he could walk away, pick up the pieces, love Jessica’s memory, and live for her.

It would be so easy.

No one could blame him.

-

But instead he sends Dean to Mom with dry eyes and waits till all the ashes blow away.

Instead he drives Dean’s car and listens to Dean’s music and wears Dean’s necklace and puts Dean’s ring in the trunk with Dad’s journal.

It was never Sam’s crusade. Mom was an abstract and Jessica’s death fresh, but now time has tempered the wound.

Sam and Dean were formed as weapons against the darkness. They were forged in fire with blood staining them far too young.

It was not Sam’s crusade.

And he’s never wished for a ghost to haunt him until Dean leaves him alone.

-

Once upon a time, Sam’d sworn he would never kill a child.

Once upon a time, Sam’d sworn he wanted normal more than anything and that he’d take it the first chance he got.

Once upon a time, Sam’d sworn Dean was invincible.

Once upon a time, Sam’d sworn Dean was forever.

But once upon a time is long ago and things change.

-

Sam killed a little girl.

Sam could go back to Stanford.

Dean died.

Dean died.

-

All Sam wants is Dean back.

All Sam wants is Dean’s stupid jokes.

All Sam wants is Dean in the driver’s seat of the Impala.

All Sam wants is Dean’s smile, Dean’s laugh, even Dean’s groan of suppressed pain.

All Sam wants is Dean to call him “Bitch.”

All Sam wants is for the sun to rise and Dean to be in the bed next to his, ready to face the day.

-

Once upon a time, Sam walked away from Dean. He went to Stanford and he had all he claimed to ever want.

Four years of silence. Every single minute hurt.

He wishes he could tell Dean that, but Dean’s gone.

-

Sam Winchester killed a little girl, her brothers, and her father.

He feels no remorse.

He’s broken every promise he ever made but one.

Wearing Dean’s coat, sitting in the driver’s seat of Dean’s car, Dean’s music blaring loud as it’ll go, he shoves Dean’s gun in his mouth and prepares to break the last.

 

Comments

[muffaletta.livejournal.com]

Beautifully written, powerful and heartbreaking: a devastating chronicle of Sam's journey into darkness. There's such a sense of inevitability and destiny throughout. And that last sentence-beyond description!

[embroiderama]

Oooooooh, crap! This is wonderful, really. The way the narrative devolves into lists feels so stark and hopeless, but still the end surprised me.

[dc-longwing.livejournal.com]

Wow. And ow. Powerful stuff, beautifully written. I didn't see the end coming, so I jumped a little. I realize I was startled mostly because most writers just don't go there, not because Sam's suicide wasn't the emotionally logical next step. It felt right, not forced for shock value or anything. I thought, "Ohh, poor Sam. But yeah, I can relate."
I loved your tight spare language, the repetition reinforcing the way their lives have hammered them into who they are.
Nice. Thanks a ton,
DC

[tigriswolf]

Thank you! I wrote another AU, months ago, where it was Sam who died, so I finally felt the need to write this one, too.

[tigriswolf]

Thank you!

[tigriswolf]

Thank _you_.

[legoline.livejournal.com]

All I can say is that I really, REALLY loved this...

[wenchpixie]

Oh, I've got chills... That last line... jeeze.

*mems*

[tigriswolf]

I'm glad!

[tigriswolf]

Thank you!

[(Anonymous)]

Damn. Haunting. Believable. And you really went there. And that last line. Just, Damn.

[kimonkey7.livejournal.com]

Damn.

This was...this was really wonderful. There were several lines that did me in:

John'd had normal; it did not end well.

And he's never wished for a ghost to haunt him until Dean leaves him alone.

And then the last line...I know I sound like an echo...but the last line made my heart squinch.

Thank you.

[tigriswolf]

Thank you so much!

[tigriswolf]

Oh, thank _you_.

[bluesister.livejournal.com]

Kind dark. I didn't see the ending coming but it's not like it made anything *worse* for Sam.

Still, I enjoyed this. I think it helped that you broke my heart early on:
After everything, Sam doesn’t know why Dean can’t haunt him.

[jewel21.livejournal.com]

Wow, this just about killed me. It was beautifully written and just heartbreaking. And that ending, that last line, was really powerful. Loved it :D

[tigriswolf]

In my other "Benders" AU, I let Dean live, so of course I had to kill Sammy here. Of course, in that one I let Sam haunt his brother, so it's not really fair, is it?

Thank you!

[tigriswolf]

Thank you!

[javana12.livejournal.com]

That was goregous.

[tigriswolf]

Thank you!

[extraonions.livejournal.com]

Chilling and gorgeous!

[tigriswolf]

Thank you for reading!

[angharadd.livejournal.com]

I love your style to pieces. That was hearbreaking & beautiful.

[tigriswolf]

Thank you so much!

[pbfate.livejournal.com]

That was amazing - I absolutly loved it. The end was go great, and...amazing!
Wonderfully done! Wonderfully!

[tigriswolf]

Thank you so much!

[pushkin666.livejournal.com]

I remember the first time I read this and it made me want to cry. It still does. It's absolutely heartbreaking. I love the line about both Sam and Dean being forged as weapons of darkness. So very true. Such an amazing story.

[tigriswolf]

Thank you so much!