screaming loud enough to turn back the wind

[Poll #2050942]

Current physical ailments:

1) chronic migraines (I know the triggers and how to mitigate them - mostly under control)

2) jaw that isn't properly aligned (which causes horrific pain sometimes; sorta know how to mitigate it)

3) knee that has lost most of its cartilage (still figuring out what to do)

4) contact allergy that has caused a week of being unable to concentrate (in the process of making it go away; hoping it works)

5) any of this that constant stress will make worse (so... all of it?)


So. Anyone know how to lose weight while constantly stressed and unable to do cardio? I need to for my knee to ever get better, and also for my little sister's wedding in May, and possibly for a confidence booster. I had lost between 30 and 40 pounds before hurting my knee; I've since gained it all back, plus some because it's difficult to do anything when you can't use one of your knees. Of course, the weight gain only made things worse because of course it did.

I'll be defending my thesis in May, and then graduating in August. I'll also be going for an Education Specialist certificate in the fall. My little sister has moved in with her fiancé. I turn 28 on Monday. I don't know how to have a conversation with my advisor, or what I'll do with my degree. I'm sick of looking at my thesis, but I've spoken with one of my favorite teachers and sent her a copy to read over because I can ACTUALLY TALK to her like with we're both humans instead of robots.

I'm fucking terrified and in so much physical pain I sometimes can't think of anything else. If I didn't hurt all the time, I just think it wouldn't seem so overwhelming. But I do hurt all the time and I have to learn to deal with it, and I think most of the time I do.

But I realized yesterday that my imagination is so fucking powerful. I fall down rabbit holes and get lost. It's a good thing when I'm writing, or telling myself a story to pass the time. But when I'm thinking of what ifs... how do other people deal with it? In hindsight, I wonder how I ever graduated high school since I was daydreaming so much.

So I get paralyzed, I guess. I've been making shit up as a I go for three years now, and I finally have to decide what the fuck I'm going to do.

And I am in constant physical pain while having to decide important shit, and the only thing I can do about it will cause even more stress.

My knee hurts so fucking much. Like, I've known since I was fairly young that I have a very high pain tolerance. I also don't like showing when I'm actually in pain. But I think my knee hurts more than anything ever has before, and I've had migraines for ten years. And the cartilage is gone, and apparently, you can't get cartilage back. So weight loss.

I've been trying, but I stress/comfort eat. And my exercise routine was walking, before I stopped moving around because my knee quit working.

Again: anyone know how to lose weight when you're stressed/agonized?

(ALSO: my period will be next week and I've already got the migraine to prove it. Awesome.)

Just dropped off the rough draft of my thesis with my advisor. Consider me done for the holidays.

I interviewed my little sister for one of my classes and had to record it so I could transcribe it, and listening to this is weirding me out. Like, since we both grew up, the two of us and our mom all sound the same on the phone to other people (though not to each other) but listening to this tape, she sounds more like me than I do. She sounds like the me I hear inside when I’m speaking, you know? Not the me on tape. It is SO WEIRD. I have never heard anyone else sound just like me. Is this how identical twins feel?

I want to light things on fire

I want to light things on fire

I want to light things on fire

I want to sob until I can't breathe and LIGHT MORE THINGS ON FIRE

I don't know if I'm more angry or frustrated anymore

BUT I WANT THINGS TO BURN AND BLEED UNTIL I FEEL BETTER.

What is the best way to get motivation back?

Okay, so, I’m in a class this semester where one of the required assignments is seven snapshots about our lives. They can be anything as long as they’re autobiographical. So far I’ve written about my favorite book, that time I wrote a screenplay in Chemistry, and constructional apraxia. There are four left and in class last night, we were to all consider what’s in our list and finalize the decision. My list includes: meeting Jensen Ackles, the dizzy virus, a snowball fight in Nebraska, that time I realized I was depressed, one of my observations for my thesis, and a truly sad moment when I realized I had no grandparents. Thing is, I can only have four and except for meeting Jensen Ackles, the rest are pretty sad, and the dizzy virus would be hard to write about.

Anyway, the point of this: while a couple of people recognized his name, no one in the class actually knew who Jensen Ackles was. So I googled him on my phone and then passed it around.

So, last night, I was in a pretty bad mood, okay? I hurt my knee almost a month ago and it’s been steadily getting worse instead of better and yesterday, while trying to find a doctor, it seemed that neither of the orthopedic clinics in town take my insurance. I also got my period so I had a headache and cramps, and then there was nowhere to park, I was late to class, and it was drizzling. Okay? I just wanted to burn everything down and settle somewhere in the ashes to cry.

But. I passed my phone around with pictures of Jensen Ackles and it was hilarious because each one of them looked at my phone and either gaped or said something along of the lines, “Damn, he’s fine.” I laughed so hard, it was amazing. My knee still hurt (god, it hurts so much) but everything else seemed better.

I’ve decided that meeting him is the next snapshot, and one of my classmates really wants to hear about the snowball fight in Nebraska, and I’m gonna for sure write about the realization of depression (because that was a turning point in my life), but I’m still not positive what the seventh snapshot will be. Either the dizzy virus (because I do think I have a handle on how to start that) or that observation, because it was a powerful moment about how amazing and heartrending the ability to read can be.

Anyway. I just. All of them (seven women all well-educated) looked at pictures of Jensen Ackles and gaped. I loved it.

So, I’m in writing class, right? We work on scholarly materials, like articles for publication, dissertations/theses, chapters for books, things like that. In the first couple week of classes, we selected partners for writing groups, who we’re supposed to meet with throughout the semester while sharing our works, revising, editing, all those fun things.

I’m the only Master’s student in the class, the rest being doctoral candidates, and they all know each other, have known each other for at least a year. So for the writing group selections, it came down to me and one other person who didn’t have a group, so we were paired by default.

(What’s interesting is that she was a TA for a class I took a year ago. Huh.)

Anyway, so my projects for this class are my Methodology and Literature Review chapters because those are the two I’m having trouble conceptualizing. Our first paper is due next Monday (Oct. 13) so I’ve been focusing on the Methodology.

For our first meeting, I sent my partner what I had, and she sent me something that’s already been published to give me a feel for her dissertation. We’re not going to have a second meeting because she has no time at all to meet anywhere in the city, which, that’s fine. (No. It’s not.) And when I sent her my second-to-final draft, she did not reply that she got it. I sent it to her on Friday (Oct. 3) and finally emailed her again on Sunday, asking the interwebs ate my first email, and when she would be sending her draft.

She replied that evening that she does not have a paper she wants me to read, and that she will return mine with comments. Today (Oct. 7) I finally received her comments. She’s suggesting quite a lot of revision and more theoretical stuff – which would’ve been good to know over the weekend, and I guess what I’ll spend most of Friday doing.

Every class meeting, the teacher asks how the writing groups are going, and everyone is so enthusiastic because they’re so amazing, they’re getting so much work done. My group has met once. I just… am I doing this wrong? Should I talk to my advisor, who is the teacher? What is my partner going to turn in?

I’m just so frustrated.

How do you define reading? What is reading to you?

(Working on my thesis. It's been raining for 10 hours. My head hurts. I want to go back to kindergarten and not have to worry about anything anymore.)

WHY is it so hard to write for school? Like, all I have left is the Discussion + Conclusion of this mini-casestudy I'm doing, and I've gone completely blank. *headdesk*