Sep. 9th, 2016 01:09 pm
tigriswolf: (berryjoy)
So, because last time I posted a wordcount I didn't exclude my collection of various story commentaries, I’ve actually posted a total of 1,293,364 words on A03. There’s an uncounted amount on my laptop I’ve never posted, and thousands of lyrics/poems/stories I’ve never typed up that exist only hardcopy. And it doesn’t include any of the papers I’ve written for school (which are A LOT, as I’ve a BA in English and an MA in Education).

I don’t know why, I’m just so excited at that wordcount.
tigriswolf: (a bird may love a fish)
Title: Constructional Apraxia
Written: spring 2015

So, I have a minor learning disability. I was not informed about it until college. In spring 2015, I took a class where we had to write seven snapshots about something in our lives; I wrote two poems. This is one of them.

I was asked to read it aloud in class, which I barely managed. It wasn't until recently that I began feeling curiosity about my disability (disorder?), and it was difficult finding information on it. I'm also finally at peace with it.

Numbers don't speak to me. )


Feb. 26th, 2016 09:23 pm
tigriswolf: (king of the jungle)
Current physical ailments:

1) chronic migraines (I know the triggers and how to mitigate them - mostly under control)

2) jaw that isn't properly aligned (which causes horrific pain sometimes; sorta know how to mitigate it)

3) knee that has lost most of its cartilage (still figuring out what to do)

4) contact allergy that has caused a week of being unable to concentrate (in the process of making it go away; hoping it works)

5) any of this that constant stress will make worse (so... all of it?)

So. Anyone know how to lose weight while constantly stressed and unable to do cardio? I need to for my knee to ever get better, and also for my little sister's wedding in May, and possibly for a confidence booster. I had lost between 30 and 40 pounds before hurting my knee; I've since gained it all back, plus some because it's difficult to do anything when you can't use one of your knees. Of course, the weight gain only made things worse because of course it did.

I'll be defending my thesis in May, and then graduating in August. I'll also be going for an Education Specialist certificate in the fall. My little sister has moved in with her fiancé. I turn 28 on Monday. I don't know how to have a conversation with my advisor, or what I'll do with my degree. I'm sick of looking at my thesis, but I've spoken with one of my favorite teachers and sent her a copy to read over because I can ACTUALLY TALK to her like with we're both humans instead of robots.

I'm fucking terrified and in so much physical pain I sometimes can't think of anything else. If I didn't hurt all the time, I just think it wouldn't seem so overwhelming. But I do hurt all the time and I have to learn to deal with it, and I think most of the time I do.

But I realized yesterday that my imagination is so fucking powerful. I fall down rabbit holes and get lost. It's a good thing when I'm writing, or telling myself a story to pass the time. But when I'm thinking of what ifs... how do other people deal with it? In hindsight, I wonder how I ever graduated high school since I was daydreaming so much.

So I get paralyzed, I guess. I've been making shit up as a I go for three years now, and I finally have to decide what the fuck I'm going to do.

And I am in constant physical pain while having to decide important shit, and the only thing I can do about it will cause even more stress.

My knee hurts so fucking much. Like, I've known since I was fairly young that I have a very high pain tolerance. I also don't like showing when I'm actually in pain. But I think my knee hurts more than anything ever has before, and I've had migraines for ten years. And the cartilage is gone, and apparently, you can't get cartilage back. So weight loss.

I've been trying, but I stress/comfort eat. And my exercise routine was walking, before I stopped moving around because my knee quit working.

Again: anyone know how to lose weight when you're stressed/agonized?

(ALSO: my period will be next week and I've already got the migraine to prove it. Awesome.)


Feb. 4th, 2016 12:41 pm
tigriswolf: (growing up (hurts))
I am so fucking tired of being a medically interesting case.

I am also tired of feeling like an afterthought when it comes to my grad school advisor.

And if my knee could stop hurting, that’s be fucking awesome, too.


Dec. 16th, 2015 01:57 pm
tigriswolf: (sweating)
Just dropped off the rough draft of my thesis with my advisor. Consider me done for the holidays.
tigriswolf: (owlet)
I interviewed my little sister for one of my classes and had to record it so I could transcribe it, and listening to this is weirding me out. Like, since we both grew up, the two of us and our mom all sound the same on the phone to other people (though not to each other) but listening to this tape, she sounds more like me than I do. She sounds like the me I hear inside when I’m speaking, you know? Not the me on tape. It is SO WEIRD. I have never heard anyone else sound just like me. Is this how identical twins feel?


Oct. 5th, 2015 01:44 pm
tigriswolf: (puss in boots)
This is just me ranting at the void, basically.

SO. Finally seeing an orthopedist on Wednesday. Saw a GP today who is training a baby doctor, and apparently, my left knee actually looks different than my right knee when moving around. Yay. Of course, the x-rays are completely normal, just the like the x-rays from March. However, the orthopedists at the clinic are first come, first serve, so I have to get there early.

Also, I’m back to waking up with migraines, even though I got a new splint for my jaw thing. The pain in my jaw itself goes away about an hour after I get up, but I’m still miserable for the rest of the day.

One of my classes has a major group project that’s basically a mini-thesis. This is a class you’re supposed to take in your first year of grad school. My advisor never mentioned that. Everything we’re learning? I learned the hard way. It’s hard to find motivation when I’m bitter and annoyed.

And to top everything off, my advisor is once again ignoring me. I’ve sent three emails (the third today) asking for a meeting so we can discuss one of the chapters of my thesis. We were supposed to meet last week, so I sent an email the week before. Then another last week. I finally texted her assistant, who I’ve had multiple classes with, and she suggested stopping by the office. Which I did last week and absolutely NO ONE was there, including all of the suitemates. So she then suggested sending another email because my advisor’s time is limited on campus.

Which is fucking A, isn’t it?

And in my other class, my final project is going to be another chapter of my thesis, and when I went over what I’m planning to do with the professor, she had all these revisions, so it’s another shit-ton of work that MY ADVISOR NEVER MENTIONED. But when the prof learned who my advisor is, she was like, “Oh, yeah, she’s awesome!”

Why is it that everyone else thinks this woman is amazing and I’m just over here, feeling like. Like shit. I’m not important. But when I’m actually in front of her, she’s all excited and so glad to see what I’ve done, and everything’s lovely. Is it out of sight, out of mind?
tigriswolf: (king of the jungle)
I want to light things on fire

I want to light things on fire

I want to light things on fire

I want to sob until I can't breathe and LIGHT MORE THINGS ON FIRE

I don't know if I'm more angry or frustrated anymore

tigriswolf: (king of the jungle)
So, I hurt my knee back in February, right? I turned on my left leg and I remember hearing something, though I don't recall if it was a rip or tear or pop. But it felt weird almost immediately and was painful later that afternoon.

I started driving to class instead of walking, made only short trips to stores, and waited for it to get better. Which it didn't. I eventually saw my GP and a rheumatologist (because my shit insurance wouldn't cover a single orthopedist in my town) and slowly, it started to get better, a little.

And then I reinjured it somehow. I didn't see another doctor but it again began getting better on its own, so. And then in June, it stopped hurting when I walked. Only hurt if I tried to bend it while sitting down, which is such an improvement, you have no idea.

AND THEN. And then I slipped and felt my knee stretch and guess what? That's fucking right. Reinjured again. SAME FUCKING KNEE.

But it didn't take as long to start feeling better. I still couldn't bend my knee while sitting but I wasn't limping anymore. Could walk around stores for a long time without feeling like my knee would collapse under me.

BUT GUESS WHAT. My fucking cat likes to get between my feet, right? And he did that a couple days ago. And I caught myself before I fell down by twisting around on my LEFT FUCKING KNEE and now it hurts in NEW AND INTERESTING WAYS it didn't before.

My knee is never going to heal. Never. Obviously it is just not to be. Fuck. I was looking forward to walking to class this semester. And I'll have to, because one of my classes is at 12:30 so the gates are down, there's nowhere to park on campus.

I am so tired of my knee hurting. And why is it my left side? It's always my left side. Sprained that ankle three times. And now my fucking knee. (I did have tendonitis on my right knee a few years ago. I miss the tendonitis because I knew how to handle that. And IT WENT AWAY.

I should've just let myself fall. Fuck.


Jul. 8th, 2015 12:32 pm
tigriswolf: (king of the jungle)
What is the best way to get motivation back?


Jun. 16th, 2015 09:56 pm
tigriswolf: (king of the jungle)
So, I like need to seriously work on my thesis this summer, right? The latest I can defend if I want to graduate this fall is November something, and while I have all the data, and I have outlines and ideas and stuff, I look at it and just... can't do anything.

I have an advisor, right? She's been there since I started in spring 2013. And I've talked to her in the past, and she's looked over what I had, and she's said it all looks good, that I should keep doing what I'm doing, and I just... I feel like we're having different conversations.

She's forgotten appointments we had scheduled, we almost never meet on time (I'm always early and she's always busy), and then she quit replying to my emails in March. She never called me back when I left a voicemail. I knew she was alive because her assistant was in one of my classes. But we were supposed to meet at the end of the semester so we could hammer out a schedule for me to follow while writing, right, and when I finally decided to email her again (on the off-chance she'd actually stop ignoring me), I got an out-of-office reply. She's fucking not in the country and won't be till August. The email said for all her students to go to this other guy for thesis/dissertation help.

So I emailed him, made an appointment, brought the best of what I have written, and waited for half an hour because he was late. And we talked, and he had advice and shit, and then he mentioned that my advisor is the best person to have for my particular project because she's essentially the rockstar of the field.

Regarding my advisor, I have never felt important. I've never felt like a priority. I've always felt like an afterthought. I look at what I have and I want to talk to someone. Want someone to tell me what to do. Is there some basic class I missed about how to research? How to put all the pieces together?

For a fic, I wrote 20,000 words in two days. I don't even have that much for my thesis after a year and a half of work. I look at what I do have and feel nothing. Except maybe dread.

What am I even doing?
tigriswolf: (no moment)
Okay, so, I’m in a class this semester where one of the required assignments is seven snapshots about our lives. They can be anything as long as they’re autobiographical. So far I’ve written about my favorite book, that time I wrote a screenplay in Chemistry, and constructional apraxia. There are four left and in class last night, we were to all consider what’s in our list and finalize the decision. My list includes: meeting Jensen Ackles, the dizzy virus, a snowball fight in Nebraska, that time I realized I was depressed, one of my observations for my thesis, and a truly sad moment when I realized I had no grandparents. Thing is, I can only have four and except for meeting Jensen Ackles, the rest are pretty sad, and the dizzy virus would be hard to write about.

Anyway, the point of this: while a couple of people recognized his name, no one in the class actually knew who Jensen Ackles was. So I googled him on my phone and then passed it around.

So, last night, I was in a pretty bad mood, okay? I hurt my knee almost a month ago and it’s been steadily getting worse instead of better and yesterday, while trying to find a doctor, it seemed that neither of the orthopedic clinics in town take my insurance. I also got my period so I had a headache and cramps, and then there was nowhere to park, I was late to class, and it was drizzling. Okay? I just wanted to burn everything down and settle somewhere in the ashes to cry.

But. I passed my phone around with pictures of Jensen Ackles and it was hilarious because each one of them looked at my phone and either gaped or said something along of the lines, “Damn, he’s fine.” I laughed so hard, it was amazing. My knee still hurt (god, it hurts so much) but everything else seemed better.

I’ve decided that meeting him is the next snapshot, and one of my classmates really wants to hear about the snowball fight in Nebraska, and I’m gonna for sure write about the realization of depression (because that was a turning point in my life), but I’m still not positive what the seventh snapshot will be. Either the dizzy virus (because I do think I have a handle on how to start that) or that observation, because it was a powerful moment about how amazing and heartrending the ability to read can be.

Anyway. I just. All of them (seven women all well-educated) looked at pictures of Jensen Ackles and gaped. I loved it.
tigriswolf: (twister)
So, I think my "partner" and I have a fundamental disconnect.

I sent her what I had of Paper 2 because my advisor advised I give the group one more week and see if things improved. We planned to meet tomorrow after receiving feedback over the weekend.

I received feedback that amounted to "this is not ready; keep working and we'll meet later."

I have been working on this paper since early in the summer. I am sick of looking at it and I don't know how to move forward. Which I told her. Because my belief of writing groups is that they help you figure out how to say what you want to say and turn it into something cohesive and great. Right? That's what all the successful groups have been saying.

But. She replied that her thought was that the writing groups are for exchanging 'submission to class' level papers. I don't have that yet. I have until December 1 to get that, which the writing group is supposed to help me do. After her email, I started crying frustrated tears because I don't understand why this isn't working. I keep getting dinged in my history class for not writing scholarly enough, and then this shit in my writing class, and the TA in my anthropology class marking up my formal proposal for all sorts of grammar things when I'm a fucking editor and have never written anthropology stuff before.

Just. Fuck grad school. Fuck it all with fire ants and tabasco sauce.

Anyway. Fundamental disconnect. I've emailed the teacher asking for clarification on what we're supposed to be using the writing groups for.

It's just. I've written about 80000 words of fic since September started. And I've been working on this lit review sine June. It's not even 3000 words, and most of that comes from a paper I cannibalized for this purpose. I've been reading quantitative lit reviews for work for 3 years, and the one I'm writing is supposed to be qualitative. It's different. I need help because I just hate it, now.

I don't even know. Eighty thousands words of fanfic. And that's been easy, it's just flowed (mostly). So why is writing for school so hard? It hasn't always been.

Anyone remember the headache I've had since July last year? It had mostly gone away until this fucking semester. And I don't have dental insurance, and then I have two special needs' cats, and.

Being a grown up is awful and I miss kindergarten every day.

Anyway. Off to write an email explaining how I organized the lit review to see if my partner feels like helping me at all.
tigriswolf: (your gravity (not mine))
So, I’m in writing class, right? We work on scholarly materials, like articles for publication, dissertations/theses, chapters for books, things like that. In the first couple week of classes, we selected partners for writing groups, who we’re supposed to meet with throughout the semester while sharing our works, revising, editing, all those fun things.

I’m the only Master’s student in the class, the rest being doctoral candidates, and they all know each other, have known each other for at least a year. So for the writing group selections, it came down to me and one other person who didn’t have a group, so we were paired by default.

(What’s interesting is that she was a TA for a class I took a year ago. Huh.)

Anyway, so my projects for this class are my Methodology and Literature Review chapters because those are the two I’m having trouble conceptualizing. Our first paper is due next Monday (Oct. 13) so I’ve been focusing on the Methodology.

For our first meeting, I sent my partner what I had, and she sent me something that’s already been published to give me a feel for her dissertation. We’re not going to have a second meeting because she has no time at all to meet anywhere in the city, which, that’s fine. (No. It’s not.) And when I sent her my second-to-final draft, she did not reply that she got it. I sent it to her on Friday (Oct. 3) and finally emailed her again on Sunday, asking the interwebs ate my first email, and when she would be sending her draft.

She replied that evening that she does not have a paper she wants me to read, and that she will return mine with comments. Today (Oct. 7) I finally received her comments. She’s suggesting quite a lot of revision and more theoretical stuff – which would’ve been good to know over the weekend, and I guess what I’ll spend most of Friday doing.

Every class meeting, the teacher asks how the writing groups are going, and everyone is so enthusiastic because they’re so amazing, they’re getting so much work done. My group has met once. I just… am I doing this wrong? Should I talk to my advisor, who is the teacher? What is my partner going to turn in?

I’m just so frustrated.


Sep. 9th, 2014 10:43 pm
tigriswolf: (king of the jungle)
So, today I bought The Epic Love Story of Captain America and Winter Soldier on the way to work, got the okay from my advisor to take another extra semester for my Master's, informed my boss I'd like that extra semester, wrote possibly the saddest (autobiographical) poem I've ever written, posted the poem to LJ, deleted the poem, and then watched The Epic Love Story of Captain America and Winter Soldier after I got home from class.

(Most) Every Tuesday, I sit in with a class of adult literacy student as research for my thesis. Most of them are older than my dad; most of them have grandkids. This morning, for whatever reason, as the teacher talked about grandparents and grandkids, it just really hit me -- I don't have grandparents. I never really have. And, for whatever reason, I really wanted to write about that today, and it turned into a poem.

I can't talk about it with my little sister because she doesn't want to. I won't talk about it with my parents because -- well, it's their parents. And my closest (only) RL life friend had a very close relationship with her grandma, who died fairly recently.

*sigh* So I wrote a poem. I almost cried at work. I think it's the most personal thing I've written in a long time, which is why I deleted it.

I don't know what to do with the poem. I don't want to reread it just as much as I want to.

I guess... what I really want is grandparents. They seem cool.
tigriswolf: (bleeds so red)
How do you define reading? What is reading to you?

(Working on my thesis. It's been raining for 10 hours. My head hurts. I want to go back to kindergarten and not have to worry about anything anymore.)
tigriswolf: (Kurt)
4.0!!! Holy fuck, am I glad this semester is over. First 4.0 in grad school, too, due to Syntax my first semester, and Statistics last fall.
tigriswolf: (i am shocked <i>shocked</i> i tell you)
WHY is it so hard to write for school? Like, all I have left is the Discussion + Conclusion of this mini-casestudy I'm doing, and I've gone completely blank. *headdesk*


tigriswolf: (Default)

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