tigriswolf | Teach me, he said--how to care - SN ficlet

Title: Teach me, he said—how to care
Fandom: "Supernatural"
Disclaimer: not my characters; title from Carol Ann Duffy.
Warnings: takes place during 4.20
Pairings: pre-Dean/Castiel
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 385
Point of view: third

Castiel is angry and ashamed. He dispatches the demons while in the daughter—Claire, she tells him, watching from the corner of her mind. My name is Claire—and that action brings him a small measure of relief. But there are still huge spirals of emotion warring in him.

His superiors meant to bury his burgeoning feelings. He cannot allow such weakness.

Daddy, Claire cries as Castiel kneels next to his previous vessel, the man he wore for nearly a year. That is a long time for a human.

Castiel senses Dean and Sam Winchester, knows Dean will not understand why he must pull back now. Jimmy begs Castiel to take him instead of Claire, to let the girl have her life.

He thinks of Dean as he changes vessels, as he fills Jimmy to the brim. Sleep, he tells the man. Be at peace.

Standing, Castiel leaves Claire and Amelia with but one look. When Jimmy wakes, he will give his vessel the image.

“Cas!” Dean calls. “What were you gonna tell me?”

Angry and ashamed, Castiel says, “I serve Heaven, not man.” He looks Dean in the eye. “And I do not serve you.”

He desires to go back, to explain. To tell Dean he is not at fault here. But he must keep his distance for now, until something new catches Heaven’s fancy. He has gotten too close; Heaven was right to rebuke him. But knowing that and accepting it—

He cannot be Cas anymore. He is not to perch on Dean’s shoulder; he is a guide and a guardian. He is an angel of the Lord. He cannot be Dean’s friend, no matter—not now. After the war, if they both survive…

But he must become a weapon of God now. He is Castiel, not Cas. He is a warrior, duty-bound, created to obey. He will obey.

Castiel seals away his emotions, shoring up the walls Heaven put in place. He cannot afford weakness. And friendship with a human—he admitted doubt to Dean. He showed Dean how to get around God’s mandate. He skirted the line, nearly Falling. For a flawed man. For Alistair’s favored pupil, his prodigy.

He will be Castiel, warrior and weapon, guide and guardian. And if they both survive the war…

If they both survive.