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tigriswolfTitle: Addicted
Fandom: "Supernatural"
Disclaimer: not my characters, 'cept for the kiddies
Warnings: implied incestuous slash of the beautiful boys; Sam/Jess; AU for pilot
Pairings: look up
Rating: PG-13
Point of View: third person
Wordcount: 830
“I fell in love with a dream. The dream seems to have departed long ago, but the memory of it is still here...” Pericles—the horse, genius and poet— “Dream Done Green” of The Night Fantastic
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Jessica Winchester knows there was something unnatural about the relationship between her husband and his brother, but Sam is an addiction she hasn’t been able to shake since she was bright-eyed nineteen-year-old law student.
She’d bumped into him in a crowded hall, looked up, met his eyes, and was completely lost. Wholly, undeniably, forever drowning in him, in his scent, his touch, his voice.
And for twenty years she’s been Sam’s, in heart and soul and body, never denied him anything. She’s his slave, his concubine—and she’s happy, honestly she is. She has all she needs: a large house, three beautiful children, two cars, enough money to last five lifetimes. Sam’s a successful attorney, on his way to being a judge.
She has everything she’d ever dreamed of, but it’s not enough.
Because he doesn’t love her. She knows it, certain beyond all doubt. When he kisses her, she knows he’s dreaming of another. When he comes in her, she knows he sees someone else, painted on his eyelids.
Johnny, at fourteen, has asked her if she thinks Sam is having an affair. No, she replied, I know he’s not.
Johnny looked into her eyes and then shook his head. Not physically, her son replied quietly.
Jessica knows her oldest is more like his father than her.
The twins, Mary and Deanna, at ten are obliviously happy. They are happy at school and with their friends, always having playdates. Jessica oversees it all, pretends she’s not dying inside every time her husband fucks her.
She doesn’t call it ‘making love’, not since the first time she realized her husband made love to someone else in his dreams.
Sam has never physically cheated on her, that much she knows for sure. He doesn’t realize what he does to her, that much she also knows. He isn’t cruel or vindictive; he’s trying to outrun something he’ll never be able to escape.
Jessica didn’t even learn of Sam’s brother until a year and a half into their relationship. He never talked about Dean, never spoke of his family. Never mentioned his past at all, just the future and his plans.
She listened to everything he said, taking it all in, falling deeper in love by the second. She didn’t question him, didn’t ask. If he wanted her to know something, he’d tell her.
They moved in together after six months, and had slept together after four. She thought they were happy, moving into marriage and children and futures entwined.
She was right, after a fashion, she muses, sipping a daiquiri in her kitchen, and completely fucking wrong.
Sam had never been hers and would never be hers, not even if she lived to be a thousand. She can’t compete with a dream.
And that’s all Dean is, just a remembrance, an ideal that died when she was twenty-four.
He’d come and fetched Sam to find their father, and then returned Sam to her. The longing on Sam’s face as he said goodbye to his brother should have clued her in, but it didn’t. The wistfulness as he began relating childhood stories was another large fucking elephant, but she listened avidly instead, glad to learn anything of Sam the Boy.
She slams her glass on the table and lowers her head into her arms. He’s mine now, she tells herself. Dean’s dead. He’s mine.
But he’s not. He belongs to a ghost, a ghost that haunts her and mocks her and laughs at her tears. Sam still loves his brother more than anything, and never loved her at all. Not like she wants to be loved.
“Mom,” Mary laughs, coming into the kitchen and grinning at Jessica, “come see what Deanie did!”
They shouldn’t have named their daughter after Sam’s brother, Jessica knows, raising her head and smiling at Mary, but Sam was adamant.
“Okay,” she answers, rising to her feet. The specter of her husband’s brother smirks at her as she follows Mary down the hall.
It was unnatural and wrong and twisted and sick and beautifully fucked-up, the love her husband and his brother shared, and it didn’t follow Dean into the grave. Jessica never hated anyone in her life as much as she loathed Dean Winchester, but one day, she knows, her addiction to Sam might run out. Might fade.
Until then, though, she can’t leave him. She wouldn’t be able to survive without his touch.
She feels Johnny’s eyes on her and meets his gaze. It’s gonna kill you, Mom, his eyes whisper before he turns and goes into his room. And as he shuts the door, he looks at her again. Because Dad’s gonna go to him and leave you alone.
Jessica shakes her head, brushes the tears off her cheeks, and laughs with her daughters as they clown around the living room.
Sam isn’t hers, never has been, but—she’s his. Body, heart, and soul. Enthralled too deep to ever leave.
She wishes she were still oblivious.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-24 01:09 am (UTC)OMG... you made me think!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-24 01:18 am (UTC)Thank you.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-25 05:17 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-02 07:35 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-10-04 11:58 pm (UTC)resignation in particular - are palpable.
The spectre of Dean does loom very large doesn't
it, over everyone and everything he comes into
contact with. And I love that you've let Johnny
share his Father's "gifts". Thank you for sharing!
Debbie
(no subject)
Date: 2006-10-05 12:56 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-10-05 02:54 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-10-05 08:42 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-10-05 05:48 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-10-05 08:42 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-16 11:57 am (UTC)Sam will never leave Jess because there is no Dean to go to.
Jess has nothing to fight against because Dean is dead.
Sam loves a ghost, a memory, ever faithful, ever perfect.
Jess loves the image of the man she first fell in love with - despite the fact that she sees the truth.
Nothing for either of them to fight. Then add the fact that their son sees what's happening....
Ow.
Sam has truly tried to recreate his family - I noticed the children's names: John, Mary and Deanna - he's trapped and not even trying to get out.
Double ow.
Your fics blow my mind on a regular basis. (see my incoherent comment on 'Reflection' for example) Hm. I'm being pestered for SPN recs. I think I'll rec you. Just for the grins and giggles of watching my friends' brains esplode. :D
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-16 02:14 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-16 02:24 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-16 05:37 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-17 08:33 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-17 05:28 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-17 01:28 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-17 05:28 pm (UTC)Thank you.
Oh, and adorable icon.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-03-01 08:51 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-03-01 01:07 pm (UTC)