SN fic - Best I Ever Had - PG13 - wincest

[tigriswolf]

Title: Best I Ever Had
Fandom: "Supernatural"
Disclaimer: Not my characters. “Best I Ever Had” is not mine. Don’t know who wrote it, but it sure wasn’t me. Just for fun.
Warnings:  AU;  spoilers for everything, really, but certainly up till "Route 666"
Pairings: implied Sam/Dean; Sam/Jessica; John/Mary; Dean/Cassie
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 933
Point of view: third
Notes: This originally started as my attempt to write a fic(let) for each verse of the song. Instead, I have this—they are connected, but all can stand alone.

So you sailed away into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay, love can be so boring
And nothing's quite the same now
I just say your name now.

The first year was the hardest, though it never really did get any easier. The first year, his body ached so hard he almost couldn’t move sometimes—but Dean would ask if everything was better, and he always said yes, even when he knew Dean could tell the lie.

Dean was his rock, that first year. Dean kept him together, for Sammy, for her memory—for vengeance.

Sometimes, Dean would look at him with big hazel eyes, full of worry and fear and adoration and so much love it hurt, and all he could say was “Mary.”

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't want me back
You're just the best I ever had.

Dean drives away from her with weariness settling deep in his bones. He’d known—couldn’t help but know—that it wouldn’t last.

He wasn’t made for happiness. He doesn’t think any of them were, really. Happiness, and any chance of it, burned with Mom.

So, though it hurts he’s not surprised. Maybe, he thinks, glancing at the rearview even though she’s too far gone to see, she was just a replacement, anyway.

So you stole my world, now I'm just a phony
Remembering the girl leaves me down and lonely
Well send it in a letter
Make yourself feel better.

The boys don’t know—never will, if he has his way—that he wrote letters to Mary on each of their birthdays.

That first year… Dean’s birthday had never come so soon. That letter was written while drunk and he rambled for twenty pages. Scrawled illegibly about how much it hurt and how angry he was and how Dean was the only one who could make Sammy shut up when he wailed for her.

Sam’s birthday… only one sentence. You’re not here.

And every year after. Sometimes they were about the boys, sometimes about memories, sometimes about what he’d learned and had planned. Sometimes they were about regrets and hopes and fears and how much the boys were like her. Sometimes it was just I miss you.

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don’t want me back
You're just the best I ever had.

Sam remembers his first crush with perfect clarity. It never really left, no matter how much time passed.

So when he sees Jessica, with her long blond hair and big hazel eyes—well. It’s easy, so easy, to fall.

After that November night, he wonders if she was just a replacement since he doesn’t think he feels her loss deep enough.

 

And it might take some time to patch me up inside
but I can’t take it so I, I run away and hide
And I might find in time that you were always right
You're always right.

Every time he exorcises or kills or destroys, he feels himself mend just a little.

But only a little. Never enough to really matter, because she’s not there.

So you sailed away into a grey sky morning
Now, I'm here to stay, love can be so boring
Was it what you wanted?
Could it be I'm haunted?

Dean watches as Dad hunts. He’s always watched, waiting and hoping and longing to be that good.

He’s so deep inside the hero-worship of his father that he doesn’t notice when he gets better.

Sam does, though. And so does Dad. They both go about telling him in different ways—Dad sends him out on his own more, gives him harder jobs, tougher challenges, even more responsibility.

And Sam… Sam walks away, to apple pie and blond hair and life because he knows Dean’s finally ready to be alone. Dean’s eyes haunt him, though, for months after. Dean’s eyes, with no tears, no pain, no surprise. Nothing.

And sometimes, Sam would wonder if he’d been wrong.

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don’t want me back
You're just the best I ever had.

The fourth year after, Dean realized something. It struck him suddenly, as he drove the Impala down the interstate at midnight towards a meet-up with Dad. It hit him upside the head and he had to pull over so he could laugh and laugh and laugh, until tears rolled down his cheeks and his stomach ached and he gasped for air.

Looking back, it wasn’t that funny.

The thing he realized was Goddamnit, I love my brother.

He’d known it for years. Why he found it so hysterical then is something he never understood.

Of course, with hindsight, maybe it was the timing. Dad never showed for that meeting and didn’t answer his phone for months.

You're just the best I ever had

Maybe it’s wrong and maybe it’s right, but either way—it just is.

Not much to do about it, really.

John had Mary and she died. Sam had Jessica and she died. Dean had Cassie and she left.

John had Sam and Dean; they grew past him. Dean had John and Sam; they both left, in their own way, and returned finally, only for one of them to leave again. Sam had Dean and John; one left and one swore he never would.

Immortality was something they’d all known they didn’t have and when John died, neither of them wept.

Instead—they stopped looking for replacements and found each other at last.

Comments

[masterofmercury.livejournal.com]

Oh, this hurt.

[tigriswolf]

Thank you.

[cocombat.livejournal.com]

Oh,
there are little notes in this that really stand out for me,
the first part, could also be about Sam & Dean, but it's obvious enough that it doesn't need repetition.

The "Sam's first crush" bit? Yeah.

And 'he doesn’t notice when he gets better.'

And Sam's - 'he knows Dean’s finally ready to be alone' with 'Sam would wonder if he’d been wrong'. Ouch.

And, well, Dean in the car. Goddamnit.

Nice.

[tigriswolf]

Thank you.

[aditu_az]

Love your fic!

"Best I ever had" was written by Vertical Horizon, if you're interested :)

[tigriswolf]

Thank you for reading!

And the info.

[thelonejuliet.livejournal.com]

Oh! That's...just....um...amazing? wonferful? beautiful?

all of the above??

[tigriswolf]

Thank you!

[velvetine01.livejournal.com]

aww, this is a very touching piece.

thanks for sharing! :D

[tigriswolf]

Thank _you_ for reading!

And adorable icon.