Myth of Freedom - SN fic - R

[tigriswolf]

Title: Myth of Freedom

Fandom: “Supernatural”

Disclaimer: the Winchester boys and all their pretty issues aren’t mine. just for fun.

Warnings: implied non-con, pedophilia, spoilers for up to “Folsom Prison Blues”

Pairings: OMC/Dean

Rating: R

Wordcount: 590

Point of view: third

Notes: written for spn_boc, to the song title “Myth of Freedom”

More notes: not in chronological order

 

 

            Contrary to popular belief, Dean Winchester does not enjoy the Fourth of July. Dad’d be disappointed if he knew, but about this one thing? Dean doesn’t care. Sammy likes it, though, so Dean always takes him to the firework show at wherever they are.

            The bright colors and loud booms remind Dean of blood.

 

            He doesn’t remember much—a small mercy. He thinks he may have howled, but knows he never begged. Knows he didn’t do much more than whimper, probably, and swear vengeance.

            Unfortunately for the nightmares, that vengeance never came to pass.

 

            Sam always points out the most beautiful fireworks, purple and green and gold and red, lighting up the night sky like dawn.

            Dean barely keeps down the bile, wanting to double over and clean himself out. His hands clench into shaky fists, and he blinks back fear and pain and lingering rage—it’s over, it’s done, he’s moved past it.

            Look at that one, Dean! Sammy shrieks, laughter threading through the words. 

            Dean does, tasting blood and come in the back of his throat.

 

            It reenters his consciousness in spurts, over years. He’s never been truly free of it, and he never truly will be. He used to imagine that he could outrun it, when it was just shadows on his dreamscape, but now—

            Sometimes, he just stands still and shudders, again feeling the grip of those hands on his skin.

 

            It only lasted a day, barely, and then he escaped. Ran for the hills and didn’t look back, fled to Dad and Sammy. He hadn’t been gone long, and he’d told Dad nothing. He was thirteen and he’d stormed out after a rare fight. But he came back, hiding pain. He came back, and that’s what he told himself to get through the years.

 

            For a long time, Dean can’t stand anyone but Dad and Sammy touching him. He doesn’t flinch away, but his whole body stiffens at any other touch. He can’t think with anyone’s flesh next to his, anyone but Dad or Sammy.

            He gets over that, finally, when he discovers girls. But he still can’t suffer men touching him.

 

            Over the years, Dean shoves the memories to the back of his mind; they only reveal themselves in nightmares he can’t explain to Dad or Sam.

 

            He’s twenty-five when he sees the man for the first time since then; he’s at a bar, a country away from Sam and twelve states away from Dad.

            Dean remembers those hands and that voice and how the man tasted. For the life of him, he can’t remember the bastard’s name, but that doesn’t matter.

            It’s the second hardest thing Dean’s ever done, but he flirts with the man and leads him to the hotel room. He lets(lets, lets, lets, it’s different, this time) the man fuck him and takes no pleasure. That hasn’t changed. And after the man is sated and loose, stretched out next to him, Dean slips from the bed to rifle through his bags, looking for his favorite knife.

 

            He’s twenty-seven and wonders why they only have three first-degree murders on his record. 

            He still hates July fourth and Sam still loves it, despite—well, despite everything. So they check out the firework show and Dean watches Sam’s boy-like joy.

            He turns his gaze to the sky, how it’s painted and beautiful, and fancies that he tastes blood and come.

            Dean closes his eyes and wonders, for just a single heartbeat, if he’ll ever be free.

            He doubts it, and Sam’s laugh rings out.

Comments

[eloise-bright.livejournal.com]

Oh, the angst, it burns.

You said you'd do it, and you did. Ouch. Poor Dean. The one time he runs away and this happens to him. Oh Dean to the nth degree.

Hurts the soul, this one.

[tigriswolf]

*glee*

Thank you!

[sea-yeah.livejournal.com]

*waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*

[tigriswolf]

*hugs you*

[sea-yeah.livejournal.com]

*sniff* thank you. But I think Dean needs the hug more. That's if the stubborn fool will let you.

[tigriswolf]

The sillyheaded boy probably won't.

[janissa11.livejournal.com]

Aw man, poor Dean -- that's what HE gets when he runs away. I wish Sam knew. ::shiver:: So chilling and believable.

[tigriswolf]

Thank you _so_ much!

(I don't think I left a comment, but I read your lilDean 'verse again the other day--totally AWESOME.)

[softgraysky.livejournal.com]

...

*blinks away tears*

I honestly had to sit there for five minutes before I could think anything that wasn't, "Ah...ah...no, no"

This one wrapped itself around my heart and just pulled it apart.

The fact that he couldn't stand anyone to touch him, just breaks something in me. I think that was were I started making pathetic little noises. Oh Dean, oh Dean.

[tigriswolf]

Thank you for reading!

[thanatoseve.livejournal.com]

Exquisitely haunting and painful.

[tigriswolf]

Thank you so much!

[fleshflutter.livejournal.com]

Oh that was awesome. Totally and utterly awesome.

[tigriswolf]

Thank you so much!

[feline-fury1.livejournal.com]

You is evil.

[tigriswolf]

I is not!

[feline-fury1.livejournal.com]

Sorry. Had to move to another computer in the library.

Anyway:

You is evil.

This was heartbreaking.

This goes into my memories.

At least you didn't kill the poor boy (although at times I think he wishes you had!).

[tigriswolf]

*glee*

[mickeym.livejournal.com]

God, poor Dean :(

I wish he could tell Sam. Sam couldn't take the memories away, but maybe it would help Dean. *hugs him*

Very nice, very well done.

[tigriswolf]

Thank you so much!

Now I'm sad

[juno-baby.livejournal.com]

Oh, Dean. This one just stings in all the right little spots and the sense memory of the holiday fireworks with the past trauma just makes it all the more powerful and just sells it.

*sniffles*

Can I ask a question though? I know this is a BOC challenge but I could swear this song is by DMT. I iz confused and frankly I love this song so if there's a BOC version can I have a link (pretty please)? I would love you like cake.

Re: Now I'm sad

[tigriswolf]

Honestly? The only song I've ever heard by BOC is "Don't Fear the Reaper," so I'm of no help. I was just browsing the challenge and the title called to me.

Thank you for reading!

D:

[amory-vain.livejournal.com]

I love it. The dean!angst just kills me, but I love it so. This is great, and totally the way I could see Dean coping with rape.

Good job.

Re: D:

[tigriswolf]

Thank you!

[sadelyrate.livejournal.com]

Breaking the boy again, I see.
And us, as usual...

I had an inkling about what was going to happen (had happened?) from the beginning, but still... You. Every time you write hurt!Dean, it makes me want to go and strangle whoever hurt him. But thank you for letting Dean have his vengeance. :)
Damn that boy. He breaks and burns and still braves the world so very, very beautifully...

Nope, not coherent. Too caught up writing shtuff.

[tigriswolf]

You and your alliteration... *sighs* So pretty.

Also, YAY!!! Finish and post, pronto!

[shea-fleur.livejournal.com]

OUCH!

But I bet all kinds of crappy stuff could have happened to Dean, considering how much parental supervision he got as a child.

Not to Sam though. Dean would have made sure of that.

[tigriswolf]

Thank you for reading!

[varkelton]

Very nicely done - but you left me wanting more - Sammy needs to know! *hugs dean* :(

[tigriswolf]

Hmm... possibly.

Thank you for reading!

[supernation.livejournal.com]

This was a dark ride. I'm still glad I rode it. Great writing.

[tigriswolf]

Thank you so much!

[roseganymede.livejournal.com]

Oh, beautifully, achingly done. The song title you picked fits this wonderfully, on so many levels, and, damn, just such an interesting exploration of Dean. Big brother to the end, no matter how much it pains him, he still takes Sam to see the fireworks...

Such a small, but enormous detail.

Loved this. Thansk for participating in the challenge!!

Also, for some reason, this line just really moved me...

Look at that one, Dean! Sammy shrieks, laughter threading through the words.

Such a vivid description, a little bit of light in so much (beautifully written) pain.

<3

[tigriswolf]

Thank you so much!

[lunardreamed.livejournal.com]

You are so mean to Dean. It's why you're one of my most favorite authors.

And the end. That just says a lot, doesn't it?

[tigriswolf]

*glee* I'm one of your most favorites? *twirls*

Sammy's clueless. And that's how Dean wants him to stay.

[jelloh0530.livejournal.com]

oh, baby dean. oh, darling baby dean.

[tigriswolf]

Thank you for reading!

... is that Jared?

[jelloh0530.livejournal.com]

yes ma'am!

[dreamlittleyo.livejournal.com]

God, that was a lot of intense in a small package. so well done. Especially heartbreaking that Sam never notices, at the fireworks year after year, that Dean isn't okay. And that Dean still doesn't refuse to go see them in the first place.

[tigriswolf]

Thank you so much!

[velvetine01.livejournal.com]

jesus christ! that was so damn painful in such a short length. i really like the way you wrote dean's thoughts and characterised him--the way he would do anything for sam despite what it may cost him.

that was great
:)

[tigriswolf]

Thank you so much!

[ianthe-aveira.livejournal.com]

Wow, that was brutal! Poor Dean.. so much pain and I just want to hug him! This was beautifully painful.

[tigriswolf]

Thank you for reading!

[a-phoenixdragon.livejournal.com]

So, so beautiful and awful and...

*Saves*

thank you, as always...

*hugs*

[tigriswolf]

Thank you so much!

[mongognom.livejournal.com]

He’s twenty-seven and wonders why they only have three first-degree murders on his record.

You reminded me of how scary Dean can be.

[tigriswolf]

Thank you for reading!