where the dream ends, the dreamer begins - DA fic - PG

[tigriswolf]

Title: where the dream ends, the dreamer begins

Fandom: “Dark Angel”

Disclaimer: not my characters; just for fun. Quotes from “Pollo Loco”

Warnings: before “Hello, Goodbye”

Pairings: none, really. Minor leanings of Max/Alec and Max/Ben, maybe

Rating: PG

Wordcount: 780

Point of view: third

Notes: for the jam_pony_ficexchange. I was given the prompts misunderstanding, someone found who was thought to be gone, and happy ending. I’m not entirely sure I’ve worked in any of those, alas.

Dedication: candycentric

 

            Your strength is your faith, your belief in the Lady. Tell me you don’t believe in her, and I’ll let you go. I’m not a liar.

 

            In her nightmares, she still hears her lost, deluded brother. She feels his neck in her hands, fragile, so easily broken. She feels his skin, clammy and warm; she feels his breath, faint and fading, on her cheek, ghosting by her ear.

            He’s gone, because she killed him. He’s gone—

            Because of his Lady.

 

            Max had once believed in Ben’s goddess, with all the fervent desire only a child can manage. She believed so strongly it nearly shattered her when the Blue Lady failed to save them all, that cold and terrifying night.

            But she survived. Max always survives.

           

            She looks at Alec and knows he’s not Ben. They’re nothing alike. But sometimes all she sees is the brother dead by her hand. Her poor, lost brother, unable to handle the imperfections of the world beyond Manticore’s cold and impersonal walls.  

            He had been their dreamer. He had been their dream.   And to remember him broken, begging for a reason, for an answer, for anything—

            She looks at Alec, with guilt and anger, and rants at him in place of her brother. He’s all that’s left of her long-gone Ben.

 

            There isn’t anyone she can speak to about Ben. Zach is beyond reach, Logan wouldn’t understand, and Cindy has already heard too many of her problems.

            There’s always Alec… but no. Just no.

 

            Ben was wrong, and Max knows it. He was begging her for salvation, at the end, for absolution, for everything to be over.  He just wanted to rest.

            But he’s haunting her, now, never leaving her thoughts for long. His words echo, and his expression is readily available in her mind’s eye. Fanatical, faithful, frightened. He, the best of all her brothers, had lost himself in the wide world, unable to cope.

            It was agony to kill him. She’d never hurt so much before, and hasn’t since. But it was what he wanted… needed… and a tiny, infinitesimal part of her reveled in it. The killer in her that Lydecker had always talked about. She wanted to grab that part of her and yank it out, cast it away—but she couldn’t. Whenever guilt rises up, trying to overwhelm her, she wants Ben back, Ben to make everything better. But Ben is gone, so far out of reach… she cannot resurrect the dead.

            So instead, she gives Alec a hard time, is crueler to him than he deserves, than he’s ever earned. She never lets him off, always blames him for things he couldn’t have even controlled. It doesn’t make her feel better, but it is so, so much easier.

 

            She often sees flashes of her brother in his twin, little shimmers of the man she killed. Alec’s smile sometimes looks like Ben’s, and his laugh often has her glancing twice.

            Max knows Ben is dead. Not only were her hands the ones that snapped his neck, but she has an ache inside that reassures her Ben is gone.

            But Alec is walking and talking, a mirror image of her lost brother. Identical in every way, except the one that matters—their minds are different. Alec doesn’t know of the Blue Lady, of the goddess Ben invented for scared, scarred children. 

            Alec doesn’t know about her. Has never worshipped her. Has never begged for her aid, for comfort. 

            Alec isn’t Ben, and that’s why Max sometimes can’t stand the sight of him.

 

            He doesn’t understand, she knows. He never met Ben. Never stood face-to-face with man whose face he wears. He can’t comprehend the pain that shears through her, every single time he says hello.

            Max still dreams of that day in the woods, how his neck twisted in her grip. It’s her worst memory, in a lifetime of horrific memories. She wants to beg forgiveness, but she doesn’t believe in any god or goddess. 

            Sometimes, half-awake and half-asleep, she begins a prayer to Ben’s Lady, but always catches herself before she finishes. 

 

            Her words—sarcastic and callous—echo in her mind, whenever she thinks of Ben. –we made her up. Other kids had the Tooth Fairy and we had her—

            The look in Ben’s eyes, on his face, scalds her now. She wasn’t worthy of him. Never has been.

            He was the best of them all, and she killed him. The world broke him, and she just completed the deed.

            Alec is a mockery of her dream, and she loathes him for it. But a part of her… deep inside, a part of her loves him, if only for his face.

Comments

[penandnotebook]

Kinda makes you wonder, did the janitor that gave the boy that picture of the Virgin Mary ever learn what came out of it?

Most likely he didn't, he was a janitor, what kind of information could have been handed to him. But still, I wonder. He wanted to do a good action, I'm guessing he didn't fully understand what was it that Manticore was doing there, possibly only caught glimpses of reflections, nothing ever shaped out because the organization had to protect it's secrecy, so all he ever saw was the loneliness of these kids, children he was told to leave alone and to fear because they were dangerous creatures, but they were children and they were alone and adrift; so he gave them something to hang on to.

How could he have guessed his action of mercy was to turn out so wrong, yet so perfect. It really does make you wonder.

Loved it hun, very touching, moving.

[tigriswolf]

Thank you for reading!

[candycentric.livejournal.com]

I really enjoyed it! Besides, it's not too often we get to hear about Ben in the DA verse. Thank you so much, lovely job! ;)

[tigriswolf]

Oh, yay, I'm glad you like it!

Ben's my favorite character of anything ever, so *shrugs*