*headdesk* life-crisis self-directed diatribe ahead

You know, if I could talk to my younger self, I'd say, join the school newspaper, work on the yearbook, for the love of God.  I'd say, work on the newspaper for college, too, take an active role in one of the campus publications, do something with writing, with editing, join one of the on-campus services involved in tutoring--get out of the house and fucking do something, you sheltered, stupid kid.

I might have more direction, now, somewhere to turn, some sort of leg-up in what I want to do with my life.  I'd have experience and an idea of if I actually like it or not. 

Fuck.

I turned twenty-three in the instant between 11:50 and midnight, when February became March.  I graduated with a BA in English, concentration Literature, almost a year ago.  And I feel like such a failure, a disappointment.  I miss having a purpose, which I did when I woke up and cared about school over half a decade ago, when I realized that it was important to do well, but what did it really matter?

Why can't I wake up now and make a decision, stick to it, and find my way?  That's how it's always been, you know?  I wake up one day, know what to do, and then I fucking do it.  When I had braces on my teeth, I wore those goddamned rubber bands 23 hours a day, seven days a week.  I overcorrected my teeth, because the orthodontist hadn't accounted for someone actually doing that.  And it didn't matter what my parents did, back when I was sucking my thumb; they put that horrible tasting stuff on and I didn't care, until the day I woke up and never sucked my thumb again.  And I still shoplifted after my mom caught me, until I just chose not to anymore, and I don't remember why.  Same with cutting.  Even after everyone thought I stopped, I did it until--for whatever reason--I decided not to.  Once I make up my mind, it's made up, damn the torpedoes and full speed ahead.

Hell, I walked right into a private after party and met Jensen Ackles.  I just decided to and I did it.  I've never done anything like that before or since. 

So why don't I have that drive now?  Why am I floundering without direction?  When she was my age, my mom had just started her career and she'd met the man she'd marry and have two kids with.  I know what I like and what I'm good at, and what I never want to do again, even though I'm good at it, and shouldn't that be enough? 

I guess... I need to start acting like an adult.  Take charge of my life.

I really wish I could talk to my younger self.



On a lighter note, I don't suppose anyone reading this can write music?  I'm somewhat tone deaf, but I'm pretty sure I write lyrics well enough.  I'd like to look into songwriting.