*headdesk* life-crisis self-directed diatribe ahead

[tigriswolf]

You know, if I could talk to my younger self, I'd say, join the school newspaper, work on the yearbook, for the love of God.  I'd say, work on the newspaper for college, too, take an active role in one of the campus publications, do something with writing, with editing, join one of the on-campus services involved in tutoring--get out of the house and fucking do something, you sheltered, stupid kid.

I might have more direction, now, somewhere to turn, some sort of leg-up in what I want to do with my life.  I'd have experience and an idea of if I actually like it or not. 

Fuck.

I turned twenty-three in the instant between 11:50 and midnight, when February became March.  I graduated with a BA in English, concentration Literature, almost a year ago.  And I feel like such a failure, a disappointment.  I miss having a purpose, which I did when I woke up and cared about school over half a decade ago, when I realized that it was important to do well, but what did it really matter?

Why can't I wake up now and make a decision, stick to it, and find my way?  That's how it's always been, you know?  I wake up one day, know what to do, and then I fucking do it.  When I had braces on my teeth, I wore those goddamned rubber bands 23 hours a day, seven days a week.  I overcorrected my teeth, because the orthodontist hadn't accounted for someone actually doing that.  And it didn't matter what my parents did, back when I was sucking my thumb; they put that horrible tasting stuff on and I didn't care, until the day I woke up and never sucked my thumb again.  And I still shoplifted after my mom caught me, until I just chose not to anymore, and I don't remember why.  Same with cutting.  Even after everyone thought I stopped, I did it until--for whatever reason--I decided not to.  Once I make up my mind, it's made up, damn the torpedoes and full speed ahead.

Hell, I walked right into a private after party and met Jensen Ackles.  I just decided to and I did it.  I've never done anything like that before or since. 

So why don't I have that drive now?  Why am I floundering without direction?  When she was my age, my mom had just started her career and she'd met the man she'd marry and have two kids with.  I know what I like and what I'm good at, and what I never want to do again, even though I'm good at it, and shouldn't that be enough? 

I guess... I need to start acting like an adult.  Take charge of my life.

I really wish I could talk to my younger self.



On a lighter note, I don't suppose anyone reading this can write music?  I'm somewhat tone deaf, but I'm pretty sure I write lyrics well enough.  I'd like to look into songwriting.

Comments

[deathangelgw.livejournal.com]

I've been wondering the same thing now and I've found a few things that helped me. One: Write down times recently that you've been doing something that completely absorbed you. But don't obsess over them. Acknowledge what you know of yourself and keep going. The opportunities will present themselves to take you down those paths.

Second: Don't be so hard on yourself. You're not to blame, your younger self isn't to blame, that's just how life is. Blame does nothing but cause airless pockets and no solutions. Slowly get back into what you liked/loved and see where it takes you. Join a group that does random writing projects or a group that assigns journalist articles. Something like that. Don't focus on what isn't there...focus on what is and build on it. It's all about positive thoughts.

Lastly, I write music. If you would like to learn some, I can help ^^ Good luck hon. Remember to breathe and feel the energy around you.

[tigriswolf]

The problem is that I only get really excited about various fandoms. I've acknowledged that about myself, but since I made no friends at college and have lost touch with everyone from highschool, I don't really know how to go about widening my circle. I'm sure that having someone else would help broaden my horizons.

I hadn't thought about clubs or groups. I've been googling various things, but all with the word 'employment' and the problem is that everything I want to do, all the available positions require already having experience. And beyond a few beta jobs I did for fanfics and peer-editing in school, I have none.

I tried to learn the clarinet a decade ago, but I really never heard a difference in the notes. What I need is a partner who isn't tone deaf. I'm not sure how that would work, though. I know how the lyrics sound in my head and when I sing them aloud, but since I can't write music, and it probably still wouldn't match up to what's actually possible... *shrugs* I asked my cousin (who was in a band that traveled the country for awhile) but he can't actually read music either, apparently. And he couldn't think of anyone who needed a lyrics' writer.

Do you know if there's a difference in the sheet music between country and pop and rock, or whatever? Or are all songs the same on paper and it matters how they're performed?

[deathangelgw.livejournal.com]

Have you thought of joining a writing group? A group that just gets together and shares ideas on writing? Or even just getting involved.

Experience seems to be the real backbiter. You could just say you proofread for things and just not mention they were for fics XD Say papers for college students.

As for music, the only difference is how it is performed. The notes will look the same, but it depends on how fast it's performed, etc. There are, of course, programs out there where you can pluck out the notes as you sing them, etc, and it writes it for you, but like most comp programs, it's well over $500. (Unless you cheat like me and go get it cracked) With song writing, both parts, you sometimes just need to get it out there. But yea, there are a lot of folks who do it so...make it a hobby for now. That's what I do.

[layne67.livejournal.com]

I walked right into a private after party and met Jensen Ackles

Ooooooh, do tell us MORE!!

And Happy belated Birthday *hugs*

[tigriswolf]

I wrote it up here.

Thank you!

[bubbles759.livejournal.com]

Oh honey, I completely, 1,000,000% know where you're coming from.

I myself am soon to turn 24. I have a degree and a half (I have an unfinished law degree), plus a personal trainers qualification under my belt. BUT... I still live at home with my parents, and I still work at the job I've had since I was 15.

Ok, ok. So I've been through university, and I've worked in the USA. Ok, so I'm going back for 6 weeks in May. But I, like you, feel like I'm going nowhere and am doing nothing.

There are very few people I went to school or university that I still keep in touch with, and I seem to have lost my mojo for anything that even remotely interested me when I was younger. (Like my music, dance, or sports). So I totally get where you're coming from.

I am actually the same way with the 'guns blazing, jump in with both feet' approach to doing things. I either do it or I don't. I still haven't come to the conclusion as to whether it's a good thing or a bad thing.

The only thing that I can tell you to do (and it works for me, when I remember to do it) is to write down things that interest you. You don't have to be crazy obsessed with them, just something that peaks your interest. Maybe you would like to take a creative writing class? Maybe join a sports team? Maybe you have an interest in classic architecture and there's a club for you to join? Find something that interests you, maybe something out of your comfort zone, and dabble in that for a while. Take an arts class, try meditation. Something that might allow you to tap into your motivation again.

Good luck with finding a music writer. I would help but I can only play what's already been written and put in front of me. I can't actually write my own stuff.

Maybe join a music group? I know you said your tone deaf but they might be able to help you out and you never know, they might be able to give you something else you enjoy?

*hugs

Danni

[tigriswolf]

I like writing, reading, and taking pictures of flowers. I still live in the same house I grew up in, and I've had three jobs.

Actually, you've just given me an idea. Hmm...

[loveandthetruth.livejournal.com]

This. So much.

*cuddles*

[tigriswolf]

*snuggles in tight*

[redfiona99.livejournal.com]

Hope you don't mind an unsolicited comment, which may or may not be helpful, but your experience mirrors that of myself and several other friends when we finished our degrees. It's a sort of post-university come-down. Not much help, I know, but you're not alone in feeling like this.

[tigriswolf]

I figured I wasn't. I just felt really frustrated, so I decided to type up a useless rant. *shrugs* It did make me feel slightly better, though.

[tigremere.livejournal.com]

You can't talk to your younger self. Even if you could it wouldn't help. She wouldn't listen.
Perhaps you should try talking to your current self. Have you asked yourself what you are afraid of? What is the worst that could happen?

[tigriswolf]

I guess I'm afraid to really try and still utterly fail.