the things you learn about yourself

So, yesterday I had to change the password for my insurance company's site and the security question was What are you afraid of? I couldn't think of what I must have answered when I set it up, so I called tigris_lilsis to ask her what she thought I might've used. She had no idea and then she said something interesting: "You're not afraid of concrete things."

Which... I'm not. I thought about it later, after getting my password changed by calling the company during their worker bee hours (also: that wasn't one of my questions, some sort of snafu, I guess), and I realized that what I'm actually scared of is outliving people.

I don't like boats but I've never been on one long enough to develop an actual fear. I don't like planes, but that's not a fear either. Rickety elevators freak me the fuck out but I'm pretty sure I'm not truly afraid. I don't like ghosts but again - not fear.

But the thought of surviving when people I love are dead - I can't even contemplate it. I actively avoid thinking about what I'll do. The only people who have died in my lifetime are my grandparents and my great-aunt, and my mother's cousin, who I barely remember. I've been lucky like that.

There are things I don't like, and things I avoid - but what I'm terrified of is surviving. I'm not sure what that says about me.