life

[tigriswolf]

(Be warned - mentions of thoughts of self-harm. I'm better now.)



Hey, y'all.

So, I think the last time I went this long without posting, I had fallen off a horse. This time, it only felt like it.

The day before I took the GRE, I received a comment on one of my fics. That comment really bothered me. My immediate reaction was to either grab a knife from the kitchen and slice up my arms or delete everything I've ever put on the internet.

Instead of doing either of those, I called my older sister and she talked me down.

The next day, I took the GRE and finished two hours early. My preliminary scores, so helpfully given by the computer, didn't bother me because I knew I'd kicked ass on the essay.

A couple weeks later, before getting my final scores or my acceptance to grad school, I learned that I'd applied to the wrong program: I applied as a non-degree applicant because it doesn't require the GRE, and I'd been told that my employers would pay for it, anyway.

Nope. The same lady who told me that informed me that I was mistaken. So, I had to reapply, pay the fee again, and the late fee, too, because it was after the deadline.

Then I got my GRE score: one point too low for anything but probation in a degree program - which means no financial aid, and no assistantship where my employers pay for almost all of it. And I got a three out of possible six on the essay, which made me wonder if I’m not as good a writer as I thought.

I realize that if this is the worst thing I ever have to deal with, I am a supremely lucky person. But October has been a bad month.

I haven’t really missed posting to LJ, either. I’ve been working on one fic for the past few weeks and updating it at Ao3 and ff.net, in-between freaking out about grad school and getting a second job. (And traveling three hours for a game that got cancelled. That was a fun day.) My favorite part of LJ, at the moment, are all my icons. I’m in a sort of funk, I think.

Anyway. Whether or not my employers pay for it, I am going to grad school next spring. I was accepted into the non-degree program and I have an upcoming appointment with someone to talk about classes. My excitement has waned due to all the drama, but once I get past that, I’m pretty sure I’ll be excited again.

So, yeah. The reason I didn’t post anything for most of the month was due to that comment; I’m not sure if it was to punish myself or prove that I could, and I’m not sure what that reviewer wanted to achieve except to make me feel horrible. If that was her aim, she hit it out the ballpark, and I’m glad my older sister answered the phone; my mom and little sister didn’t, and I was increasingly hysterical.

Next, I’ll post the header and link to the fic I’ve been working on. But I’m not sure if I’ll posting anything but links to Ao3 from now on.

Comments

[marbleglove.livejournal.com]

Oof. Sounds like October was a pretty awful month. And knowing that it can always be worse doesn't actually make it any better. I hope November is a major improvement.

[tigriswolf]

Me, too.

[athynto.livejournal.com]

Lots of hugs and happy thoughts.
I love your fics.
You are awesome!

[tigriswolf]

Thank you so much!

[bookstorequeer.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Sorry to hear about all the crap you've gone through lately, hon. I think stepping away from the comment and lj in general was probably the best move (I so dislike those pointless, antagonizing comments...).

Here's hoping that November is better!

[tigriswolf]

Thank you!

[maldeluxx.livejournal.com]

I've been missing your posts a lot, so I'm glad to hear from you, even if it's been bad like this *hugs*

[tigriswolf]

I've actually written a lot, too, most of it comment_fic or the Klaine serial killer AU.

I think the problem was the bad coming steadily, one week after the other, you know?

[maldeluxx.livejournal.com]

Yep. Getting a lot of good would be nice after this *more hugs*

I'm not that active at reading at AO3, but hopefully I'll be at some point :) I did read all of the serial killer AU there so far, and loved it, left kudos <3

[tigriswolf]

Ao3 is a lot of fun.

The serial killer AU has been a blast to write.

[bubblesbrnaid]

Ack. That does sound like a terrible month.

I've had that reaction to reviews before, too. You gotta wonder what some of those people are thinking sometimes.

Good to see you back!

[tigriswolf]

It sucked. I'd think it was over and something new popped up.

Why leave a comment like that, really? It wasn't even about my writing, just the subject matter, and I warn for everything.

[gypsy-atavari.livejournal.com]

Hope things start looking up. HUGS.

[tigriswolf]

Thank you!

[jenna_marianne]

So sorry about the horrible month.

The whole GRE & grad school experience sounds so frustrating and disheartening. *hugs*

Fandom is so many people's happy place, and it really sucks when something takes that away. Some people just have no empathy. :(

Hope things get better, and take care of yourself in whatever way works best for you.

Just subscribed to you on AO3 so I don't miss anything.

[tigriswolf]

It was extremely frustrating because I'd been talking with that lady for weeks and it wasn't until after I thought I understood everything and applied that she said, "Oh, wait, that's wrong." But I can't say anything to her because she's the second-in-command of where I work. *sigh*

Thank you so much!

[downbythebay-4.livejournal.com]

I empathize with your concerns regarding the graduate school application process (crippling debt, here I come!)

As far as the essay on the GRE, I can say with the utmost confidence that it is 100% NOT a reflection of your ability to write. A single grader only spend 2 to 3 minutes looking at your essay based on a dumbed-down, esoteric rubric.

The trend seems to be that people are penalized for being TOO good.

Keep your chin up! All shall be well.

[tigriswolf]

Thank you so much!

I felt really good about my essays. *sigh*

[caffienekitty]

I've had those kind of comments too, and getting an unexpected kick in the teeth like that when you're already stressed is really nasty and hard to deal with. I'm glad you coped, and I'm glad you're going to grad school. *hug*

[tigriswolf]

That was the problem with it - any other day, it wouldn't have been a big deal. But the day before the GRE? I really was in a very bad place for a little while, but my big sister helped.

Yup. Even if we have to pay for the whole thing ourselves, I'll be going in the spring. Hearing my mom say that after realizing I'd applied to the wrong program helped a lot, too.

*snuggles*

[noybusiness.livejournal.com]

There was a fair bit of Sebastian Stan in last week's Once Upon a Time, 2*05 "The Doctor".

[tigriswolf]

Thanks for letting me know.

[chrismouse.livejournal.com]

Congratulations on being admitted to grad school! I hope you enjoy it.

Also, you are fully as good a writer as you think you are. I've read your stories in a lot of different fandoms, and even the ones I'm not familiar with are awesomesauce and make me want to become familiar with the source material. And sometimes when I've done that, I come back and look for the stuff I know you've written in that fandom, because I know I'll get more out of it now.


I'm glad you're feeling better now. Many warm hugs to you.

[tigriswolf]

Thank you so very much! I'm starting to get excited about grad school again.

I'm actually reading a book about the GRE essays right now (hoping for a better score when I take the blasted thing again) and apparently the first grader for the essays is a computer that looks only at grammar and has no way of knowing if the 'mistake' is stylistic or accidental. WTF is up with that? The machine doesn’t care how clever you are and has no way of appreciating it.

Which also makes me feel better about the whole thing.

[desertcreature.livejournal.com]

The problem with the internet is that it seems to turn people into miserable assholes for no good reason. There is no reason whatsoever for that reviewer to treat you like that. Whoever it was is a dick and you deserve better than that crap, babe.

I love your writing. I've read your stories for quite a while now and you've made me interested in genres that I don't even know anything about! You are an elegant and talented author and anyone who says otherwise can kiss your candy ass.

I'm sorry to hear about the problems with the grad school, but I'm glad to know that you've got options available still. You can do this! I have faith in you and want you to know that you've got my support in whatever you choose to do. <3<3<3

[tigriswolf]

I love that icon. *hee*

Thank you so very much! I think I would have felt better about the comment if it were about the writing instead of the topic.

I scheduled some classes this morning!