screaming loud enough to turn back the wind

When you're waiting to hear back and it's possibly life-changing news -- God, time drags so slowly.

So, I’m exhausted and one of my chronic pains is really fucking hurting, so I’m gonna go to bed early tonight.

I finished my sixth book this week; that’s one each day so far, and then two I spaced out over Thursday-Sunday. I’ve decided to reread every book on bookcase and donate the ones I don’t like anymore/don’t know why I have.

I actually wrote yesterday AND today. Two drabbles yesterday, four today, and then another chapter for one of my WIPs. Well, more of an interlude, really.

I’ve been to two of my three classes; the third, I won’t have until the 23d because for some reason the semester starts on a Wednesday and the Monday the next week is a holiday so no school. It’s stupid.

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God, I wish they would get back to me. I don’t want to jinx it. I already told my lilsis, my cousin, and my boss that it’s possible. I’m feeling a mixture of exhilarated and terrified.
It could be so good.

And here are the little dudes who live in my room. First up: my full body puppet collection. I've been collecting them since I was an infant - my grandfather gave my first one, a beaver. In the picture, he's being held by the sloth. There are A LOT more, but they're packed up at my parents' house. I don't have nearly enough room in my apt. Then there's the little round dudes, the miniature little round dudes, the fictional character little dudes, the miscellaneous little dudes, the stuffed animals, the team spirit little dudes, and finally the caterpillar and ladybug little dudes.

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So, here's a closeup of all the little dudes on my bookcase. I am a magpie mixed with a packrat.

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So tomorrow, I’m going back to work after three weeks off.

School starts on Wednesday.

I did not get any of the writing done over the break that I’d intended to. In fact, I think I wrote maybe a single poem? And that’s it. I just... never felt like writing, so I didn’t. December actually was the best I’ve felt (besides being sick for those few days) since June, and maybe the best I’ve felt emotionally in a long time. Of course, I did spend half of it with no responsibilities except buying presents and paying bills. So it was probably that plus actually taking antidepressants for the first time in my life that led me to feeling good.

But I do feel lighter, emotionally. And hopeful, despite the fuckery in DC.

WHY has every attempt to stop the garbage bag wearing a human suit from assuming power failed?

In the last month or so, I've had several very realistic, vivid dreams. The kind where I'm pretty sure whatever it was happened in the Awake World but never actually did. So I'll think I've done something or had a conversation, but it never happened.

Which is very confusing.

Like, I remember having a conversation with Mom about something and coming to a decision about whatever the conversation was about, but I can't remember what the decision was. According to Mom, that conversation never took place.

So, that's awesome.

So, do baby merfolk suckle at their mother’s breast? If they don’t, why do mermaids have boobs?

LOOK AT WHAT MY MOM GOT ME. THIS IS THE CUTEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN.

When I opened the box, my face was apparently hilarious because my aunt started laughing and told my mom to look over. Lilsis said that Mom was delighted to be able to get this little dude for me.

(I apologize for the vagueness! But there are reasons.)



So, my mom is essentially in charge of a large organization, and the places where I and lilsis work are technically part of that organization, except we’re neither of us under her direct chain of command because that would be illegal. She’s been working for this place since before I was born, so pretty much everyone at both my place of work and lilsis’ knows who our mom is. (She’s also apparently terrifying?)

Anyway, today she was on the phone with lilsis (Mom took the afternoon off; lilsis was still at work) and Christmas present drama happened, so Mom said quite loudly into the phone, “Fuck me with a chainsaw!” and lilsis’ officemate heard her. Lilsis’ officemate has only met Mom at lilsis’ wedding, but she obviously has heard a lot of stories, from lilsis and various other people. Mom answers to only two people, and one of them is the governor. Mom has a reputation of do not fuck with me.

Lilsis’ officemate’s reaction was appropriately hilarious and I wish I could've been there.

What the goddamned fuck.

My knee has been killing me for three days, the worst pain I can remember being in, and I spent most of today in bed because now my entire body is aching and I overall feel like shit, and I get up to this.

Fuck everything.