poem

Mar. 9th, 2017 10:36 am
tigriswolf: (utter beauty)
.
.
.
Written March 8, 2017




Where does grief go
when it finally fades and floats away?
Is it relief, the lightening of a load;
is it hope, rushing into your soul,
lifting you up, letting you think,
if only for a single moment
and not a breath more,
that happiness might sink back into your bones,
barren for so long, cold and weary?

Grief consumes, ravenous and slavering,
until all you feel is exhaustion,
broken and weak, like nothing
will ever ease the pain, the emptiness.
But when it finally splinters,
what is left?
Hope? Relief? Anything? No—
—thing.

When the grief floats away,
where does it go?
Does it settle somewhere else,
take root, spread pain and fear and anger
—despair—
where before there existed something?

Grief subsumes, washing away everything
anything nothing something—
All.
Where does grief go when it fades
and what is left when it goes?
Relief? The resurrection of hope?
A trench so deep it’d never be possible to climb free?
Can relief sweep you up,
fly you out,
cocoon around you,
let you sleep?
Can hope warm what is frozen,
bloom what is barren?
What happens? What remains?
When hurts heal—slowly, softly—
When hurts heal—
Hurts heal—

When grief finally fades and floats away,
where does it go?
What is left in its absence?
Perhaps relief settles in, spreading
fragile wings, shifting
fragile muscles, stretching
towards a light, far in the distance,
a light shining softly, hesitantly,
hopeful—

Hope, the strength, the thought that
surviving leads eventually to something else—

Grief consumes, digests, spits out
someone you don’t know but
who seems familiar, similar,
an echo, a distorted reflection,
a was become an is.
When grief goes, a new person is left, someone
with fresh scars,
with divots,
with sore spots that will (perhaps) always be tender.
Hurt heals, when grief is survived.

Grief goes. Where? Away.
You remain. You remain.
You breathe, you cry, you smile—
You live.
You live.

Grief fades and floats away.
You remain.
You live.
tigriswolf: (unbroken (i rise))
So, have you ever been in an environment where people keep praising someone who failed you utterly and never even considered acknowledging it? Who not only failed you, but almost seemed to actively betray you? Who consistently did not do even the minimum of supporting or guiding you and then just - let you fall.

The person they continually praise is someone you never met. But they talk about her and suggest others go to her for guidance, and you have to bite your tongue because to speak of what happened will reflect badly on you - not her. It feels like nails on a chalkboard every time she's brought up but all you can do is sit there, fists clenched in your lap, and try to think of something else.

You can't warn anybody. It feels like as much of a failure as when you learned, miles from home, that she had betrayed you.

book log

Mar. 9th, 2017 08:36 am
tigriswolf: (Nessie)
January 5 – 6, 2017: Wild Magic by Tamora Pierce

January 7 – 8, 2017: Wolf-Speaker by Tamora Pierce

January 9, 2017: Emperor Mage by Tamora Pierce

January 10, 2017: The Realm of the Gods by Tamora Pierce

January 11, 2017: The One You Feed by EM Hollaway

January 12, 2017: Alanna The First Adventure by Tamora Pierce

January 13, 2017: In the Hands of the Goddess and The Woman Who Rides Like a Man by Tamora Pierce

January 13 - 18, 2017: Lioness Rampant by Tamora Pierce

January 18 - 19, 2017: First Test by Tamora Pierce

January 19 - 20, 2017: Page by Tamora Pierce

January 20 - 21, 2017: Squire by Tamora Pierce

January 21 - 23, 2017: Lady Knight by Tamora Pierce

January 23 - 24, 2017: Trickster’s Choice by Tamora Pierce

January 25, 2017: Trickster’s Queen by Tamora Pierce

January 26 - 27, 2017: Tortall and Other Lands by Tamora Pierce

January 27, 2017: Ferocious Fluffity by Erica S. Perl & Henry Cole

January 30, 2017: Serpents and Werewolves: Stories of Shapeshifters from around the World by Lari Don; I Am the Book, poems selected by Lee Bennett Hopkins & illustrated by Yayo; Imagine a City by Elise Hurt; Jumping Off Library Shelves, poems selected by Lee Bennett Hopkins & illustrated by Jane Manning; Eyes of the Unicorn by Teresa Bateman; Forgive Me, I Meant To Do It by Gail Carson Levine; Dealing with Dragons by Patricia C. Wrede

January 31, 2017: Searching for Dragons by Patricia C. Wrede

February 1, 2017: Calling on Dragons & Talking to Dragons by Patricia C. Wrede

February 1 - 2, 2017: Book of Enchantments by Patricia C. Wrede

February 2 - 3, 2017: Beauty by Robin McKinley

February 3, 2017: The Unicorn and the Moon by Tomie dePaula; Bang Bang I Hurt the Moon by Luis Amavisca & Esther G. Madrid; Bogo the Fox Who Wanted Everything by Susanna Isern & Sonja Wimmer; Also an Octopus by Maggie Tokuda-Hall & Benji Davies; The Bear Who Couldn’t Sleep by Caroline Nastro & Vanya Nastanlieva

February 4, 2017: Cloaked in Red by Vivian Vande Velde; The Tale of Tam Linn by Lari Don & Philip Longson; The Secret of the Kelpie by Lari Don & Philip Longson

February 4 - 6, 2017: Once Upon a Dream by Liz Braswell

February 6, 2017: Three Good Deeds by Vivian Vande Velde

February 6 - 7, 2017: Under My Hat Tales from the Cauldron edited by Jonathan Strahan

February 7 - 8, 2017: Mechanica by Betsy Cornwell

February 8, 2017: Poisoned Apples Poems for You My Dear by Christine Heppermann; Girls and Goddesses Stories of Heroines from around the World by Lari Don

February 8 - 11, 2017: The Lost Empire of Atlantis by Gavin Menzies

February 9, 2017: The Search for Lost Cities by Nicola Barber

February 10 -11, 2017: Atlantis The Andes Solution by JM Allen

February 11, 2017: The Cod’s Tale by Mark Kurlansky; One Hundred Details from the National Gallery by Kenneth Clark; Troll’s Eye View edited by Ellen Datlow & Terri Windling

February 12, 2017: Beware the White Rabbit edited by Shannon Delaney & Judith Graves

February 13, 2017: Historical Animals by Julia Moberg; Cinderella A Grimm’s Fairy Tale by Ulrike Hasselhoff

February 13 - 14, 2017: The Goose Girl by Shannon Hale

February 14, 2017: Blood-sucking Man-eating Monsters by Kelly Regan Barnhill; The Turkey Girl by Penny Pollock & Ed Young; Beauty and the Beast by Mahlon F. Craft & Kinuko Y. Craft; The Rough-Face Girl by Rafe Martin & David Shannon

February 15, 2017: Rosa Bonheur Painter of Animals by Olive Price

February 15 – 16, 2017: Sweetblood by Pete Hautman

February 16 - 19, 2017: Dinosaurs How They Lived and Evolved by Darren Nash & Paul Barrett

February 17, 2017: Cinderella a Fairy Tale Adventure by Giada Francia

February 18, 2017: Beauty and the Beast by H. Chuku Lee & Pat Cummings; Previously by Allan Ahlberg & Bruce Ingman; Who Pushed Humpty Dumpty? By David Levinthal & John Nickle; Glass Slipper Gold Sandal a Worldwide Cinderella by Paul Fleischman & Julie Paschkis

February 19, 2017: Here There Be Monsters The Legendary Kraken and the Giant Squid by HP Newquist; Rad Women Worldwide by Kate Schatz

February 19 – 21, 2017: The Dead Duke, His Secret Wife, and the Missing Corpse by Piu Marie Eatwell

February 20, 2017: Bigfoot CindeRRRRella by Tony Johnston & James Warhola; The Boy Who Cried Bigfoot by Scott Magoon

February 22, 2017: Nursery Tales Around the World by Judy Sierra; Giant Sea Reptiles of the Dinosaur Age by Caroline Arnold & Laurie Caple

February 22 - 28, 2017: Celestial Geometry by Ken Taylor

February 22 – 23, 2017: Classical Women Poets by Josephine Balmer

February 23, 2017: A Library for Juana by Pat Mora & Beatriz Vidal; Rosa Bonheur by Elbert Hubbard

February 24, 2017: The Lion & the Mouse by Jerry Pinkney; The Emperor and the Nightingale by Kuang-ts’ai Hao, Shih-ming Chang, & Nguyen Ngoc Ngan; Wild Wild Sunflower Child Anna by Nancy White Carlstrom & Jerry Pinkney; Lies, Knives, and Girls in Red Dresses by Ron Koertge

February 25 – March 1, 2017: The Tempest by Shakespeare (ed. by Barbara A Mowat & Paul Werstine)

March 1, 2017: The History and Uncertain Future of Handwriting by Anne Trubek; We Should All Be Feminists by Chimamanda Ngozi Adiche; Women of the Sea Ten Pirate Stories by Myra Weatherly

March 1 - 2, 2017: The Thief by Megan Whalen Turner

March 2, 2017: The Nightingale by Pirkko Vainio; The Nightingale by Stephen Mitchell & Bagram Ibatoulline; The Little Match Girl by Jerry Pinkney; Mama’s Nightingale by Edwidge Danticat & Leslie Staub; Little Red Riding Hood by Jerry Pinkney

March 2 – 5, 2017: Shady Characters The Secret Life of Punctuation, Symbols, & Other Typographical Marks by Keith Houston

March 2 - 8, 2017: The Queen of Attolia by Megan Whalen Turner

March 3, 2017: First Light First Life A Worldwide Creation Story by Paul Fleischman & Julie Paschkis; Anansi and the Box of Stories by Stephen Krensky & Jeni Reeves; The Sleeper and the Spindle by Neil Gaiman & Chris Riddell; The Parade a Stampede of Stories about Ananse the Trickster Spider by KP Kojo

March 3 - 6, 2017: Demand the Impossible a Radical Manifesto by Bill Ayers

March 4, 2017: The Girl Who Loved Wild Horses by Paul Goble; The King Who Rained by Fred Gwynne; Pitch and Throw, Grasp and Know What Is a Synonym by Brian P. Cleary & Brian Gable; I’m, Won’t, They’re, and Don’t What’s a Contraction? By Brian P. Cleary & Gable; Cinder Edna by Ellen Jackson & Kevin O’Malley

March 5 - 6 , 2017: Ella Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine

March 5 – 7, 2017: Sappho by Diane J. Raynor & Andre Lardinois; Huntress by Malindo Lo

March 7, 2017: Blanchette et les Sept Petits Cajuns A Cajun Snow White by Sheila Hebert-Collins & Patrick Soper; Sleeping Beauty by Maja Dusikova

March 7 - 9, 2017: Feathers, Paws, Fins, and Claws Fairy-Tale Beasts ed. by Jennifer Schacker & Christine A. Jones, ill. By Lina Kusaite

March 8, 2017: Ash by Malinda Lo
tigriswolf: (a bird may love a fish)
What are your favorite fairy tale retellings?
tigriswolf: (owlet)
So, I turned 29 in the instant between 11:59 on 2/28 and 12:00 on 3/1 - but I haven't felt like an adult since January 14.
tigriswolf: (sunshine boy)
January
Children’s: 6
Fiction: 18
Nonfiction: 1

February
Children’s: 21
Fiction: 16
Non-Fiction: 19
tigriswolf: (old man of the forest)
Today's Read Across America? I got ya covered. :)
tigriswolf: (the rainstorm and the river)
So I retold(ish) the goose girl fairy tale over here and it was lots of fun. Anyone wanna give me another fairy tale and/or Greek myth to retell?
tigriswolf: (if you are brave)
Anyone else ever get hit with the realization anytime you see a pregnant person that they’ve definitely had sex? Or it hits you when you’re looking at people wandering around somewhere that they’re all there because two people had sex at some point? That you actually exist because two people had sex?

(Obviously, there’s in-vitro and surrogates and stuff, but on the whole, most people are still born because two people had sex.)

It just weirds me out, I guess.

poem

Feb. 21st, 2017 06:03 pm
tigriswolf: (a surprise)
.
February 21, 2017
.
.
.
.
I expect to smell smoke everywhere I go.
(I still think I’ll wake up.)

Catalogue everything.
Who knew you could have this much shit?
What can be cleaned?
What's worth the effort?
What needs replacing that's irreplaceable?

(It's been too long—
I'm not asleep.)

There are some holes that can't be filled.
Some losses can never be made right.

Sometimes,
You can never go back to where you were.
Can never be who you were.

Sometimes,
You fight the fire and think you've won—
But it can't be put out with what you have.
Sometimes,
You never had the chance of winning.

Sometimes,
All you can do is stand outside and watch it burn.
You don't think it's a victory,
But everyone who loves you will.

(If you'd stayed,
You'd've died, too.
One day, you won't feel so guilty.
((I hope)))

I still expect to smell smoke.
I still think, sometimes, that I need to wake up.
Picking and choosing what to keep,
What to replace,
What to forget about.
So much was pulled out
But what mattered most died hiding in my room
While I stood outside and watched my home burn.

Sometimes,
You’ll never be who you were.
You’ll never become who you were becoming.
It doesn’t feel like victory
(yet)
But you’ll be someone new.
(Dying trying to find him wouldn’t be victory, either.)

(One day, you’ll believe it.)

book log

Feb. 20th, 2017 07:32 am
tigriswolf: (the devil went down)
January 5 – 6, 2017: Wild Magic by Tamora Pierce

January 7 – 8, 2017: Wolf-Speaker by Tamora Pierce

January 9, 2017: Emperor Mage by Tamora Pierce

January 10, 2017: The Realm of the Gods by Tamora Pierce

January 11, 2017: The One You Feed by EM Hollaway

January 12, 2017: Alanna The First Adventure by Tamora Pierce

January 13, 2017: In the Hands of the Goddess and The Woman Who Rides Like a Man by Tamora Pierce

January 13 - 18, 2017: Lioness Rampant by Tamora Pierce

January 18 - 19, 2017: First Test by Tamora Pierce

January 19 - 20, 2017: Page by Tamora Pierce

January 20 - 21, 2017: Squire by Tamora Pierce

January 21 - 23, 2017: Lady Knight by Tamora Pierce

January 23 - 24, 2017: Trickster’s Choice by Tamora Pierce

January 25, 2017: Trickster’s Queen by Tamora Pierce

January 26 - 27, 2017: Tortall and Other Lands by Tamora Pierce

January 27, 2017: Ferocious Fluffity by Erica S. Perl & Henry Cole

January 30, 2017: Serpents and Werewolves: Stories of Shapeshifters from around the World by Lari Don; I Am the Book, poems selected by Lee Bennett Hopkins & illustrated by Yayo; Imagine a City by Elise Hurt; Jumping Off Library Shelves, poems selected by Lee Bennett Hopkins & illustrated by Jane Manning; Eyes of the Unicorn by Teresa Bateman; Forgive Me, I Meant To Do It by Gail Carson Levine; Dealing with Dragons by Patricia C. Wrede

January 31, 2017: Searching for Dragons by Patricia C. Wrede

February 1, 2017: Calling on Dragons & Talking to Dragons by Patricia C. Wrede

February 1 - 2, 2017: Book of Enchantments by Patricia C. Wrede

February 2 - 3, 2017: Beauty by Robin McKinley

February 3, 2017: The Unicorn and the Moon by Tomie dePaula; Bang Bang I Hurt the Moon by Luis Amavisca & Esther G. Madrid; Bogo the Fox Who Wanted Everything by Susanna Isern & Sonja Wimmer; Also an Octopus by Maggie Tokuda-Hall & Benji Davies; The Bear Who Couldn’t Sleep by Caroline Nastro & Vanya Nastanlieva

February 4, 2017: Cloaked in Red by Vivian Vande Velde; The Tale of Tam Linn by Lari Don & Philip Longson; The Secret of the Kelpie by Lari Don & Philip Longson

February 4 - 6, 2017: Once Upon a Dream by Liz Braswell

February 6, 2017: Three Good Deeds by Vivian Vande Velde

February 6 - 7, 2017: Under My Hat Tales from the Cauldron edited by Jonathan Strahan

February 7 - 8, 2017: Mechanica by Betsy Cornwell

February 8, 2017: Poisoned Apples Poems for You My Dear by Christine Heppermann; Girls and Goddesses Stories of Heroines from around the World by Lari Don

February 8 - 11, 2017: The Lost Empire of Atlantis by Gavin Menzies

February 9, 2017: The Search for Lost Cities by Nicola Barber

February 10 -11 , 2017: Atlantis The Andes Solution by JM Allen

February 11, 2017: The Cod’s Tale by Mark Kurlansky; One Hundred Details from the National Gallery by Kenneth Clark; Troll’s Eye View edited by Ellen Datlow & Terri Windling

February 12, 2017: Beware the White Rabbit edited by Shannon Delaney & Judith Graves

February 13, 2017: Historical Animals by Julia Moberg; Cinderella A Grimm’s Fairy Tale by Ulrike Hasselhoff

February 13 - 14, 2017: The Goose Girl by Shannon Hale

February 14, 2017: Blood-sucking Man-eating Monsters by Kelly Regan Barnhill; The Turkey Girl by Penny Pollock & Ed Young; Beauty and the Beast by Mahlon F. Craft & Kinuko Y. Craft; The Rough-Face Girl by Rafe Martin & David Shannon

February 15, 2017: Rosa Bonheur Painter of Animals by Olive Price

February 15 – 16, 2017: Sweetblood by Pete Hautman

Februar 16 - 19, 2017: Dinosaurs How They Lived and Evolved by Darren Nash & Paul Barrett

February 17, 2017: Cinderella a Fairy Tale Adventure by Giada Francia

February 18, 2017: Beauty and the Beast by H. Chuku Lee & Pat Cummings; Previously by Allan Ahlberg & Bruce Ingman; Who Pushed Humpty Dumpty? By David Levinthal & John Nickle; Glass Slipper Gold Sandal a Worldwide Cinderella by Paul Fleischman & Julie Paschkis

February 19, 2017: Here There Be Monsters The Legendary Kraken and the Giant Squid by HP Newquist; Rad Women Worldwide by Kate Schatz
tigriswolf: (mushroom head)
So, I'm doing book reviews for books on my book log, if there's any you're curious about.

*sighs*

Feb. 19th, 2017 09:04 pm
tigriswolf: (in my defense i've never read fairy tale)
So, it’s always so awkward when a long montage of sex happens during a movie because I just honestly don’t care, but I can’t fast-forward or change the channel because I’m not the only one watching.

Or, I’m just in the room, reading a book, while the movie is playing and other people are watching. I still can’t fast-forward or change the channel.

It’s so damn awkward. What’s appealing about sex scenes? I’m entirely too aro and ace to understand.
tigriswolf: (a bird may love a fish)
.
.
.
.
Title: soot-stained
Written February 16, 2017


It aches
continually
My body
My heart
My soul
so tired
I trudge on

I wish it were over
but time alone heals
so they say
This too shall pass
so they say
Trudging,
I hold on

Dreaming
asleep or awake?
Yes
always yes
Minutes days weeks
Months are gone
but it feels like just yesterday—

Time heals
Hurt fades
Memory softens
Soon again my soul will sing—
everyone says

Hope is all I have now
Hope that they are right
and this too will pass
This will pass
Asleep or awake it all feels the same
but it will pass

I trudge
I crawl
I weep
—I hope

—I hope—

Trudging,
I hold on
—Hoping
I hold on

book log

Feb. 15th, 2017 11:15 am
tigriswolf: (power of a dream)
January 5 – 6, 2017: Wild Magic by Tamora Pierce

January 7 – 8, 2017: Wolf-Speaker by Tamora Pierce

January 9, 2017: Emperor Mage by Tamora Pierce

January 10, 2017: The Realm of the Gods by Tamora Pierce

January 11, 2017: The One You Feed by EM Hollaway

January 12, 2017: Alanna The First Adventure by Tamora Pierce

January 13, 2017: In the Hands of the Goddess and The Woman Who Rides Like a Man by Tamora Pierce

January 13 - 18, 2017: Lioness Rampant by Tamora Pierce

January 18 - 19, 2017: First Test by Tamora Pierce

January 19 - 20, 2017: Page by Tamora Pierce

January 20 - 21, 2017: Squire by Tamora Pierce

January 21 - 23, 2017: Lady Knight by Tamora Pierce

January 23 - 24, 2017: Trickster’s Choice by Tamora Pierce

January 25, 2017: Trickster’s Queen by Tamora Pierce

January 26 - 27, 2017: Tortall and Other Lands by Tamora Pierce

January 27, 2017: Ferocious Fluffity by Erica S. Perl & Henry Cole

January 30,2017: Serpents and Werewolves: Stories of Shapeshifters from around the World by Lari Don; I Am the Book, poems selected by Lee Bennett Hopkins & illustrated by Yayo; Imagine a City by Elise Hurt; Jumping Off Library Shelves, poems selected by Lee Bennett Hopkins & illustrated by Jane Manning; Eyes of the Unicorn by Teresa Bateman; Forgive Me, I Meant To Do It by Gail Carson Levine; Dealing with Dragons by Patricia C. Wrede

January 31, 2017: Searching for Dragons by Patricia C. Wrede

February 1, 2017: Calling on Dragons & Talking to Dragons by Patricia C. Wrede

February 1 - 2, 2017: Book of Enchantments by Patricia C. Wrede

February 4, 2017: Cloaked in Red by Vivian Vande Velde; The Tale of Tam Linn by Lari Don & Philip Longson; The Secret of the Kelpie by Lari Don & Philip Longson

February 4 - 6, 2017: Once Upon a Dream by Liz Braswell

February 6, 2017: Three Good Deeds by Vivian Vande Velde

February 6 - 7, 2017: Under My Hat Tales from the Cauldron edited by Jonathan Strahan

February 7 - 8, 2017: Mechanica by Betsy Cornwell

February 8, 2017: Poisoned Apples Poems for You My Dear by Christine Heppermann; Girls and Goddesses Stories of Heroines from around the World by Lari Don

February 8 - 11, 2017: The Lost Empire of Atlantis by Gavin Menzies

February 9, 2017: The Search for Lost Cities by Nicola Barber

February 10 -11 , 2017: Atlantis The Andes Solution by JM Allen

February 11, 2017: The Cod’s Tale by Mark Kurlansky; One Hundred Details from the National Gallery by Kenneth Clark; Troll’s Eye View edited by Ellen Datlow & Terri Windling

February 12, 2017: Beware the White Rabbit edited by Shannon Delaney & Judith Graves

February 13, 2017: Historical Animals by Julia Moberg; Cinderella A Grimm’s Fairy Tale by Ulrike Hasselhoff

February 13 - 14, 2017: The Goose Girl by Shannon Hale

February 14, 2017: Blood-sucking Man-eating Monsters by Kelly Regan Barnhill; The Turkey Girl by Penny Pollock & Ed Young; Beauty and the Beast by Mahlon F. Craft & Kinuko Y. Craft; The Rough-Face Girl by Rafe Martin & David Shannon
tigriswolf: (king of the jungle)


It's been a month. It feels like it's been forever but also that time hasn't passed at all.

update

Feb. 12th, 2017 10:39 am
tigriswolf: (king of the jungle)
So, here and here.

The poster thing my little sister made me a couple years ago and the eldritch abomination my mom got me - 1 survived the fire. 1 didn't.

query

Feb. 6th, 2017 09:55 am
tigriswolf: (flutterby)
So, in 2015 I wrote a paper that included a section on literal vs metaphorical cannibalism as it relates to history, knowledge, and academia. I reread it today and now I want to turn that section into an article of some kind. That section is behind the cut below; does anyone out there want to take a gander and tell me if there's anything worth revising into an article?

Read more )

update

Feb. 3rd, 2017 08:02 am
tigriswolf: (dreamer)
So, I went to my doctor on Wednesday due to a daily pain in my left side that showed up about two weeks ago. I was given a new questionnaire to fill out that had four questions; I can't remember exactly what they were, but something like 'how often do you feel like doing nothing' and 'are you unhappy.'

The answers I provided led the nurse to asking me more questions, and I think the result would be obvious: I am, apparently, heavily depressed.

I was depressed before the fire, okay? But now I'm heavily depressed.

This has led me to being a subpar teacher, I think, and I feel guilty about that. Because I really think I'm giving it my all, but the all I have to give isn't as much as it used to be. I'm trying my best and my best isn't... what it was. In every regard, every part of my life.

Which is not helping my depression, obviously. I feel like I'm in the way and a burden and there's this horrible mess to clean up, and that I didn't do everything I should or could have to save Gus, and that everything would be easier if I wasn't here.

(Not that, as I've assured my shrink and my GP and my family, I'm going to hurt myself.)

I was feeling happy, prior to January 14. For the first time in awhile. Everything was going good. I felt lighter and hopeful.

And now everything is just this pit of nothing, and I somehow keep getting up in the morning and going to work and going to class, and I'm going to keep doing that, even while I have to sort through 20 years of my life that stinks of smoke, and even while I know I'm never going to hear my cat yowl for attention again, and even though I'm tired and angry and so fucking sad --

But I was happy. I can't imagine being happy again.

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