screaming loud enough to turn back the wind

Current physical ailments:

1) chronic migraines (I know the triggers and how to mitigate them - mostly under control)

2) jaw that isn't properly aligned (which causes horrific pain sometimes; sorta know how to mitigate it)

3) knee that has lost most of its cartilage (still figuring out what to do)

4) contact allergy that has caused a week of being unable to concentrate (in the process of making it go away; hoping it works)

5) any of this that constant stress will make worse (so... all of it?)


So. Anyone know how to lose weight while constantly stressed and unable to do cardio? I need to for my knee to ever get better, and also for my little sister's wedding in May, and possibly for a confidence booster. I had lost between 30 and 40 pounds before hurting my knee; I've since gained it all back, plus some because it's difficult to do anything when you can't use one of your knees. Of course, the weight gain only made things worse because of course it did.

I'll be defending my thesis in May, and then graduating in August. I'll also be going for an Education Specialist certificate in the fall. My little sister has moved in with her fiancé. I turn 28 on Monday. I don't know how to have a conversation with my advisor, or what I'll do with my degree. I'm sick of looking at my thesis, but I've spoken with one of my favorite teachers and sent her a copy to read over because I can ACTUALLY TALK to her like with we're both humans instead of robots.

I'm fucking terrified and in so much physical pain I sometimes can't think of anything else. If I didn't hurt all the time, I just think it wouldn't seem so overwhelming. But I do hurt all the time and I have to learn to deal with it, and I think most of the time I do.

But I realized yesterday that my imagination is so fucking powerful. I fall down rabbit holes and get lost. It's a good thing when I'm writing, or telling myself a story to pass the time. But when I'm thinking of what ifs... how do other people deal with it? In hindsight, I wonder how I ever graduated high school since I was daydreaming so much.

So I get paralyzed, I guess. I've been making shit up as a I go for three years now, and I finally have to decide what the fuck I'm going to do.

And I am in constant physical pain while having to decide important shit, and the only thing I can do about it will cause even more stress.

My knee hurts so fucking much. Like, I've known since I was fairly young that I have a very high pain tolerance. I also don't like showing when I'm actually in pain. But I think my knee hurts more than anything ever has before, and I've had migraines for ten years. And the cartilage is gone, and apparently, you can't get cartilage back. So weight loss.

I've been trying, but I stress/comfort eat. And my exercise routine was walking, before I stopped moving around because my knee quit working.

Again: anyone know how to lose weight when you're stressed/agonized?

(ALSO: my period will be next week and I've already got the migraine to prove it. Awesome.)

Just dropped off the rough draft of my thesis with my advisor. Consider me done for the holidays.

I AM FINALLY GETTING A FUCKING MRI OF MY KNEE.

Praise be to every god there ever was and all the ones that weren't.

I interviewed my little sister for one of my classes and had to record it so I could transcribe it, and listening to this is weirding me out. Like, since we both grew up, the two of us and our mom all sound the same on the phone to other people (though not to each other) but listening to this tape, she sounds more like me than I do. She sounds like the me I hear inside when I’m speaking, you know? Not the me on tape. It is SO WEIRD. I have never heard anyone else sound just like me. Is this how identical twins feel?

Title: the cost (be careful what you wish for)
Fandom: DCU animated
Disclaimer: not my characters
Warnings: violence, death,
Pairings: none
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 450
Point of view: third
Prompt: Dcu, jason todd (/+ any), monkey paw

( Be careful what you wish for. )



Title: (d)evolution
Fandom: Highlander
Disclaimer: not my characters
Warnings: references to violence
Pairings: none
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 230
Point of view: third
Prompt: any (besides Supernatural), any, I gave you all your scars but you gave me mine.


( As the ages pass, the stories change. )



Title: the horse and the rider
Fandom: Highlander
Disclaimer: not my characters
Warnings: future!fic, references to death/violence
Pairings: none
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 695
Point of view: third
Prompt: any TV show. any. Don't blame me for what you've lost.

( He has loved hundreds... )



Title: Once
Fandom: Cinderella (2015)
Disclaimer: not my characters
Warnings: spoilers for the film
Pairings: none
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 112
Point of view: first
Prompt: any, any, broken

( I was young like you. )




Untitled
Fandom: Tangled/Sleeping Beauty
Warnings: dub-con, dark, AU
Pairings: Maleficent/Flynn Ryder
Rating: PG13
Wordcount: 240
Point of view: third
Prompt: any, any hero/villain pair, Tell me a story that ends with death.

( Tell me a story. )

Title: the magic of a wish
Original, PG, 445 words
Warnings: references to rape culture
Prompt: author's choice, any, Some stories tell of how to slay or even tame dragons, while others tell of how to become dragons.


( She listens to the legends. )



Untitled
Fandom: Marvel movies
Disclaimer: not my characters
Warnings: AU
Pairings: none
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 200
Point of view: third
Prompt: Mcu, Bruce/Tony, fairy tale fusion

( There is a prince trapped in a tower and a monster that guards the steps. )


Title: you die awake
Fandom: Charmed
Disclaimer: not my characters; title from Anne Sexton
Warnings: changed future; references to the unchanged one
Pairings: none
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 200
Point of view: third
Prompt: Any. any. s(he) remembers the other timeline.

( He doesn't just suddenly remember one day, and he hasn't always remembered. )


Title: Brother, leave no man behind
Fandom: Marvel movie
Disclaimer: not my characters
Warnings: post-Winter Soldier; ignores AoU
Pairings: none
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 185
Point of view: third
Prompts: any Whedonverse. any. lies can be better than the truth ; any Whedonverse. any. wrath

( Sometimes, telling the truth is pointless. )



Title: soulmate
Original, PG,
Prompt: any. any. I don't care if the world burns as long as...


( There are things they never tell you. )

You know what's frightening? My inheritance on my mother's side is brain tumors, leukemia, and being the medically interesting case.

Title: lonely for something to touch
Fandom: RPF
Disclaimer: they’re all real people so they belong to themselves; title from Anne Sexton
Warnings: AU; violence/death
Pairings: Louis Tomlinson/Harry Styles, Liam Payne/Zayn Malik
Rating: PG13
Point of view: third
Wordcount: 2700+
Prompts: author's choice, any, Even a hit man deserves a second shot. (Grosse Pointe Blank) ; any, any/any, Together forever. Or else. (Fear) ; Author's choice, any/any, Cute Poison (Prison Break)

Notes: there's supposed to be three more parts of this coming; right now, there's only two chapters.


When he left home at eighteen, Louis fully expected to be a starving artist in London. That is not how things go.

Title: I try to picture me without you (but I can't)
Fandom: RPF(ish)
Disclaimer: … they’re sorta mine? in this incarnation, at least. title from Fall Out Boy
Warnings: references to canon character death, violence/battles
Pairings: Alexander/Hephaestion
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 670
Point of view: third
Prompt: Historical RPF. any. we will never be royals



( He dreams of deserts and elephants, of battles and blood, of a faceless man he loves more than life itself. )



Title: the quiet moments
Fandom: Leverage
Disclaimer: not my characters
Warnings: takes place anytime after season 3; references to the terrible things Eliot did willingly for Moreau; violence/death
Pairings: Eliot/Hardison/Parker, past Moreau/Eliot
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 405
Point of view: third
Prompts: Leverage, Hardison/Parker/Eliot, they want to know about Eliot's past ; Leverage, Eliot/Hardison(/Parker) and past Eliot/Damien Moreau, how Eliot finally tells them about his past relationship with Damien

( Hardison and Parker never ask Eliot about his history with Moreau. )



Title: ascent
Written September 23, 2015
Author's choice (except Supernatural), any once-human creature, We can give you a new body, a new voice. You'll miss your parents, and the sun, but you could sing. (We all float down here)


( do you remember the sun? )


Title: mastermind
Fandom: Heroes
Disclaimer: not my characters
Warnings: AU at some point
Pairings: none
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 120
Point of view: third
Prompt: any, any, Life is never so bleak / that you can't turn things around / with a crime spree.


( Luke does mean it, when he says they’ll find Micah’s mom. )



Title: I know your look when I get there
Fandom: RPF
Disclaimer: they belong to themselves (or each other); title from Dido
Warnings: takes place in early 2011 but after February 1
Pairings: Louis Tomlinson/Harry Styles
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 233
Point of view: third
Prompt: any, any/any, standing there with just a tan and a slow, shy smile


( He’s nervous, of course. )

Title: hope
Fandom: Supernatural
Disclaimer: not my characters
Warnings: pre-pilot
Pairings: John/Mary
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 100
Point of view: third
Prompt: Supernatural, John & Mary (Dean), they each had different expectations for their first born son


( hope is the most painful thing of all )





Title: ever after
Fandom: Harry Potter
Disclaimer: not my characters
Warnings: ignores epilogue; future!fic; references to canon child endangerment and abuse
Pairings: Neville Longbottom/Luna Lovegood
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 235
Point of view: third
Prompt: Harry Potter, Neville Longbottom/Luna Lovegood, 'accidental garden manpain'

( She thinks, sometimes, that she wouldn't mind lighting the extended Longbottom family on fire. )




Title: born to shine
Fandom: One Direction RPF
Disclaimer: they’re real people so they belong to themselves; title from Smash Cast
Warnings: takes place in both 2010 and 2015
Rating: PG
Pairings: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Wordcount: 500
Point of view: third
Prompt: any, any +/ any

There are some in this world who have strength on their own
Never broken or in need of repair
But there are some born to shine who can't do it alone
So protect them and take special care
Take care
(Don't Forget Me by Smash Cast)


( there are some born to shine who can’t do it alone )



Title: Jeanne d'Arc
Originalish - RPF
Prompt: Historical RPF. any before the 20th century. If they'd been alive now.


( Joanna doesn't tell anyone when she begins to hear the voice. )



Title: the radio turns on, playing love songs
Fandom: One Direction RPF
Disclaimer: they’re real people so they belong to themselves; title & prompt from Gloria Trevi's 'Ángel de la Guarda'.
Warnings: MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH and mourning/grief
Pairings: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 260
Point of view: third
Prompt: any. any.


Strange things happen when you're home alone.
You hear my voice, saying, 'hey love'
And in the shower, someone soaps up your back,
and the radio turns on, playing love songs.


( He doesn’t sing anymore. )