screaming loud enough to turn back the wind

Title: so many words we’re not sayin’
Disclaimer: um. they’re all real people so none of them belong to me? like at all. title from “Strong.”
Warnings: canon compliant AU in that some people can shapeshift into animals at will; a tiny bit of self-harm tendencies; some internalized self-hatred
Pairings: Louis Tomlinson/Harry Styles
Rating: PG/13
Point of view: third person

My little sister dragged me into this fandom and I have written actualfax real person fic. *sigh*


Last year, Louis left the box marked Shifter unchecked. He does the same this year. He knows if he makes it through that he’ll have to tell them; but he also knows he won’t make it through.

So, I hurt my knee back in February, right? I turned on my left leg and I remember hearing something, though I don't recall if it was a rip or tear or pop. But it felt weird almost immediately and was painful later that afternoon.

I started driving to class instead of walking, made only short trips to stores, and waited for it to get better. Which it didn't. I eventually saw my GP and a rheumatologist (because my shit insurance wouldn't cover a single orthopedist in my town) and slowly, it started to get better, a little.

And then I reinjured it somehow. I didn't see another doctor but it again began getting better on its own, so. And then in June, it stopped hurting when I walked. Only hurt if I tried to bend it while sitting down, which is such an improvement, you have no idea.

AND THEN. And then I slipped and felt my knee stretch and guess what? That's fucking right. Reinjured again. SAME FUCKING KNEE.

But it didn't take as long to start feeling better. I still couldn't bend my knee while sitting but I wasn't limping anymore. Could walk around stores for a long time without feeling like my knee would collapse under me.

BUT GUESS WHAT. My fucking cat likes to get between my feet, right? And he did that a couple days ago. And I caught myself before I fell down by twisting around on my LEFT FUCKING KNEE and now it hurts in NEW AND INTERESTING WAYS it didn't before.

My knee is never going to heal. Never. Obviously it is just not to be. Fuck. I was looking forward to walking to class this semester. And I'll have to, because one of my classes is at 12:30 so the gates are down, there's nowhere to park on campus.

I am so tired of my knee hurting. And why is it my left side? It's always my left side. Sprained that ankle three times. And now my fucking knee. (I did have tendonitis on my right knee a few years ago. I miss the tendonitis because I knew how to handle that. And IT WENT AWAY.

I should've just let myself fall. Fuck.

What is the best way to get motivation back?

So, I like need to seriously work on my thesis this summer, right? The latest I can defend if I want to graduate this fall is November something, and while I have all the data, and I have outlines and ideas and stuff, I look at it and just... can't do anything.

I have an advisor, right? She's been there since I started in spring 2013. And I've talked to her in the past, and she's looked over what I had, and she's said it all looks good, that I should keep doing what I'm doing, and I just... I feel like we're having different conversations.

She's forgotten appointments we had scheduled, we almost never meet on time (I'm always early and she's always busy), and then she quit replying to my emails in March. She never called me back when I left a voicemail. I knew she was alive because her assistant was in one of my classes. But we were supposed to meet at the end of the semester so we could hammer out a schedule for me to follow while writing, right, and when I finally decided to email her again (on the off-chance she'd actually stop ignoring me), I got an out-of-office reply. She's fucking not in the country and won't be till August. The email said for all her students to go to this other guy for thesis/dissertation help.

So I emailed him, made an appointment, brought the best of what I have written, and waited for half an hour because he was late. And we talked, and he had advice and shit, and then he mentioned that my advisor is the best person to have for my particular project because she's essentially the rockstar of the field.

Regarding my advisor, I have never felt important. I've never felt like a priority. I've always felt like an afterthought. I look at what I have and I want to talk to someone. Want someone to tell me what to do. Is there some basic class I missed about how to research? How to put all the pieces together?

For a fic, I wrote 20,000 words in two days. I don't even have that much for my thesis after a year and a half of work. I look at what I do have and feel nothing. Except maybe dread.

What am I even doing?

Title: truths that wake, to perish never
Fandom: X-Men movies
Disclaimer: not my characters; title from Wordsworth
Warnings: ignores Days of Future Past
Pairings: John Allerdyce/Bobby Drake
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 170
Point of view: third
Prompt: X-Men (movieverse), John Allerdyce/Bobby Drake, soulmates!AU where your soulmate's name appears on your wrist (or somewhere else on your body) when you turn 18.


( John's been with Magneto's crew for three months when Bobby wakes up with <i>Pyro</i> scrawled across the inside of his wrist. )


Title: you have not stood up to live
Fandom: Marvel movies
Disclaimer: not my characters
Warnings: post-Cap2
Pairings: none
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 140
Point of view: third
Prompt: any Whedonverse. any. when surviving is not enough


( He’s alive. That’s all that can be said, really. )



Title: the patience of eternity
Fandom: Highlander
Disclaimer: not my characters; title from Sandra Cisneros
Warnings: references to bad things
Pairings: none
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 275
Point of view: third
Prompt: Any, any/any, Monsters are even more scary when you've seen them afraid.


( Joe wonders, sometimes, about how Mac actually sees Methos. )



Title: He would make them die in the desert
Fandom: Highlander
Disclaimer: not my characters
Warnings: references to violence, cannibalism; pre-Highlander
Pairings: Kronos/Methos
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 300
Point of view: third
Prompt: any. any/any. in love or hate, they burn the same


( He does not know his age when the god comes to him. )




Title: reset
Original, gen, 495 words
any, any, a literal reset button


( She's known the words longer than she's known her name, longer than she knew her mother's voice. )

Title: Something good, something bad, bit of both
Fandom: Guardians of the Galaxy; title from the movie
Disclaimer: some of the characters are mine, but not any of the ones you recognize
Warnings: Hogwarts AU, references to violence, bullying, prejudice
Pairings: none
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 3140
Point of view: third
Prompt: Harry Potter crossover with the Guardians all arriving to Hogwarts and getting sorted. What houses are they in and how do they interact with each other?

Note: this takes place 10 years post-Deathly Hallows except no one from the books shows up. *shrugs*

Another note: as ever, there may be more coming in this 'verse.



The day Peter got his letter, Ma told him, “I always knew there was somethin’ special about you, baby.” He thought it was a prank until the scary witch came to explain things, but Ma believed from the beginning.

Title: I’m the lie living for you
Disclaimer: not my characters; title from Evanescence; some dialogue taken directly from the film
Warnings: AU, violence
Pairings: pre-Brian/Dom, Brian/Mia, Letty/Dom
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 7475
Point of view: third

Note: I know it’s spelled O’Conner but I hate that spelling. I also made up last names for the characters without them in the films.

Another note: I have begun a continuation into the second film, where things go way AU.


The thing Brian O’Connor does best is lie, and he lies to himself the best of all.

Title: My whole world fits inside a moment
Disclaimer: not my characters; title from Roseanne Cash
Warnings: violence, systemic and institutional abuse, magical realism, war, AU, torture
Pairings: Steve/Bucky, George Barnes/Winifred Barnes, Joseph Rogers/Sarah Rogers
Rating: PG13
Wordcount: 6300
Point of view: third
Prompt: MCU, Steve/Bucky, people with magic are hated and mocked but they are useful to armies and powerful groups
Note: I think I’m using period terms correctly, that aren’t okay now (and weren’t then, actually). No offense meant.
Another note: I’ve borrowed Tamora Pierce’s Tortall magic.



When James Buchanan Barnes was born, every dog in Shelby, Indiana, howled for five minutes.

Title: I have been where you are before (and I have felt the pain of losing who you are)
Disclaimer: not my characters
Warnings: AU before Avengers; references, of course, to violence/abuse/torture, and also child abuse; possibly AUish for Bruce and the Hulk’s relationship? I dunno.
Pairings: past Betty/Bruce, possibly pre-Bruce/ex-Winter Soldier
Rating: PG
Wordcount: WIP
Point of view: third
Prompt: MCU, Bruce Banner (and Hulk) + or / any, the Hulk is not often calm enough to cuddle, but when he is, the cuddling is epic.


He finds the guy in an abandoned shack in Cambodia, toting enough weapons it makes the Other Guy sit up and take notice, but they can both tell the guy’s barely alive.

Title: i'll be a hurricane when i grow up
Fandom: DCU animated
Disclaimer: not my characters
Warnings: references to violence
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 160
Point of view: third
Prompt: DCU, Jason Todd/+any, i'll be a hurricane when i grow up, an ugly thunder. i'll be a forest fire about to flood over an empire.


( When he was a kid, Jason just wanted to be a hero. )



Title: soul-loss
Fandom: Highlander
Disclaimer: not my characters
Warnings: daemon AU
Pairings: none
Rating: PG
Wordcount:105
Point of view: third
Prompt: Highlander the Series, any, an Immortal recalls their first death--when they realized that they'd come back to life...but their daemon hadn't.



( He says 5000 years. )



Title: pining
Fandom: DCU animated
Disclaimer: not my characters
Warnings: daemon AU
Pairings: pre-Wally/Bruce
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 55
Point of view: third
Prompt: Justice League Cartoon, Wally West/Bruce Wayne, daemon AU: Bruce has a panther, Wally has a dog



( Bruce’s daemon has advice. )


Untitled
Original, gen, pg, 85 words
Prompt: any, any, courage is always easier to muster up in daylight


( At night, she forgets. )





Title: freedom tastes like peppermint hot cocoa
Fandom: Marvel movies
Disclaimer: not my characters
Warnings: adorableness
Pairings: Steve/Bucky
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 195
Point of view: third
Prompt: MCU, any/any, one person in the couple likes to text the other all day long with every little detail of what's happening that day, even if it's not important


( Now that he remembers, Bucky loves texting Steve <i>all the time</i>. )